Reply to I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty 
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall. [/quote]

It's not worth it. Just as you wish MIL would have said " thats totally fine, MIL wishes you would have asked her for help cooking .You need help prepping for Christmas. And instead of asking your FIL and MIL to chip in, you get rid of them while you are prepping. I can imagine your tone while you were going back and forth with them( yes, it's obvious from this statement about FIL watching loud TV while you are prepping).

It's unusual to tell close family members not to come too early. It's actually more common to ask them for help. In my family, everyone chips in with a meal or drinks or cleaning up,/prepping if they arrive when the food and hosts are not done.

Perhaps you are cooking more than you should. Perhaps your DH is a lazy bum. You should have tried making adjustments in these areas before pulling this option only to feel guilty and have your in laws feeling offended as well.[/quote]

This is such horseshit.  [b]Close family can still ask each other what time the host would like others to arrive and then respect that.[/b]  If you care about the host, that is what you do.  You don’t just run roughshod over their needs and preferences based on your own preferences.[/quote]

It's interesting how you phrased the bolded. Why not phrase it to say "host can ask". That's because deep down in you, you know that hosts rarely do insist on a particular time for Christmas/Christmas eve - if asked, they give one or suggests when food will be ready but they rarely insist on people coming over after a certain hour.

Additionally, in this case, there has alrleady been an established time - they have been arriving earlier for years. I wouldn't have responded the way her MIL responded.. However OP telling them to come later for her sanity(OP's words) after years of coming early is strange to them. They have no idea that OP had been putting up with them for years. They thought she enjoyed their presence there as much as they enjoyed being there.

But you are right: OP has the right to her preferences. However, she cannot make people feel the way she wants them to feel about her preferences, epecially given the way she presented them and that those preferences seem new. MIL will come around with time, but this particular Christmas will be awkward thanks to OP and MIL both putting their feelings first.

[/quote]

No, it’s because the host is the one doing all the work of hosting, so common decency says you do what you reasonably can to help the host, including not demanding to arrive before the host is ready for you.

I mean really, were some of you raised in a barn?[/quote]

Why is the host doing all the work?

I was raised on a barn and still live on one. On that barn, we all do the work. The host does more of course, but we all chip in to reduce the stress and enjoy each other's company.[/quote]

The help OP asked for was that her guests give her time earlier in the day to prepare her part so she isn’t stressed out during their visit.  Instead of being willing to give that help graciously, her MIL threw a tantrum.

I wouldn’t expect any other “help” from the in-laws to be any more constructive than that.[/quote]

A tantrum, really? I guess you have to get creative to make your point since that's not what OP said at all. Did you read the OP?[/quote]

Yes, I did read the original post where the MIL degraded OP for taking care of herself.[/quote]

She made one comment, but carry on rewriting history. And we still don't know how long the ILs have to travel or what their reasons are for wanting to be early, beyond the darkness. It's telling OP ignores those questions.[/quote]

DP.

Yep. It's telling that OP does not say how long they are travelling. It's also telling that OP does not see how them arriving at 2:30 instead of 5:30 to visit children during the week makes sense given traffic conditions around 5:30pm.

OP and her MIL are birds of a feather. And so are her DH and FIL.[/quote]

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