Reply to S/O Why do you care if moms stay home?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I never jump into these stupid debates and did not read the prior posts, but for this one I have to, because the OP betrays the total ignorance about history, women's rights, and the role of women in society.

It is not just about what you, Cindy Lou, decide to do with your career once you have kids.  It's about the bigger picture, and the fact that when women are not able to, for various reasons, combine career with family, or when we collectively as a society start to spin a narrative that children are hurt when women work, then women feel pressured to drop out, or guilted into dropping out, or forced into it, and then women (and children) suffer the consequences, for example:

-when you have only male OB/GYNs who force you into c-sections and many other procedures because of a lack of understanding or care for what women face 
-when there is less money given in the budget process of government to education, or protection for families, because men typically value these things less 
-- when you get no paid maternity leave because CEOs are all men and so are the legislators 
-- when scientists run studies only on male subjects because they assume women are the same
-- when rape kids go untouched because it's simply not a priority for police departments (mostly male)
-when you have no access to birth control because male legislators don't value it

I could go on and on.  All of the above is part of our history and was part of our reality for hundreds/thousands of years.  This is why women have fought to be in the workplace.  So when SAHMs start talking about "who cares when women aren't part of the workforce," well that is just completely stupid. [/quote]

I appreciate everything you said, but none of it would make it possible for me to put my 4-month-old in daycare. There is something primal/emotional in me that will not let someone else be my infant/toddler’s primary caregiver. It’s not guilt or worry - it’s just a deep desire to be with her. Do I think these are all good arguments to return to work when she’s like 5? yes. Also, remember that I vote for all the policies you suggested, even if I’m not currently working. And really, what is to stop someone from taking a couple years off from their medical practice, for ex, and then returning when her kids are in preschool? I mean, even Nancy Pelosi was a sahm for awhile....[/quote]

What you don’t understand is that many working moms are still primary caregivers. [/quote]

If your infant or toddler is in daycare of with a nanny, then that person is your child's primary care giver, not you. I'm not saying that's bad, but it's just a fact.[/quote]

nope

[/quote]

+1 Amazing how somehow these women would not consider a kindergarten teacher a primary care giver but they make these inane statements. Are you homeschooling? Because if not, then by your definition you aren't the primary care giver once your kid enters K.[/quote]

Agreed.  Someone who's going on and on about primary caregiving, what switch flips when a kid turns 5 and goes to school?  What about if they go to preschool?  [/quote]

Can't help you if you don't see the developmental difference between a toddler and an elementary schooler. [/quote]

Enlighten me.  In your own words, please.  I wouldn't consider a 5 year old about to start K a toddler, but you do you.[/quote]

Where did I say a 5-year-old is a toddler...?[/quote]

Oh my good Lord. The idea being that before they’re old enough to go to school children should be coddled by their mother 24/7. Then the minute they go to kindergarten, somehow the teacher does NOT become a primary caregiver? Even though a nanny watching them the week before would have been?[/quote]

I did not say "SHOULD" ("should be coddled by their mother"). We can all agree infants need almost constant care by a 1-1 provider, right? Or at most 2-1? All I am saying is I want to be that person. And yes, if your infant is with a nanny or at daycare for most of their waking hours, then that person is their primary caregiver. I don't see how you can disagree with that. Again, I am not saying there is anything wrong with that! If you are happy with that arrangement and your child is too, then great! By 5 years old, a child does NOT need that kind of attention. What problem do you have with the idea that children's needs and independence change from the course of 0 to 5? [/quote]

DP.  No, you are incorrect.  My DH and I both work and we also are our childrens' primary caretakers.  Period.  They know who their mother is and who their father is and there is no confusion on their part.  The people at daycare were also caretakers, but not the primary ones.  Their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins have been part-time caretakers. Their teachers and staff at their school are now also caretakers, but they are not their primary caretakers.

A lot of life happens outside of "9 to 5" as you call it, *especially* for infants.  The caretakers at daycare never nursed my babies in the middle of the night.  When my children were or are now sick, they did not care for them.  I did.  Everyday, we have breakfast together.  Every night, my family eats dinner together, and we discuss our days.  Every night, we spend time as a family, whether doing homework, playing games, reading.  I tuck them in.  Tons of meaningful conversations have happened in all sorts of contexts, including in the car and especially in those moments before sleep.  Those other caretakers did not buy food to feed my children or clothes to clothe them.  None of the other caretakers know the whole, wonderful stories of our children like my husband and me. My children do not know or love anyone else as much as they love us, their parents.  We are their primary caregivers, whether you choose to admit or not.[/quote]

If that all works for you, then fine! I'm not talking about love, who buys food, clothes, etc etc etc. I'm saying the person that spends the most time with the child during their waking hours. I want that person to be me, particularly during infancy and early toddlerhood, because that's how I FEEL. Not because it's better in any way or superior to anyone else's arrangement. I'm sorry, but spending time with my infant during the day is way more different (and more fun...) than spending time with her at nighttime, and I PERSONALLY don't want to miss that time. If you don't mind missing that time and your child has great care during that time, then fine! Good for you! Am I not allowed to feel differently from you....? The whole way this started was me saying i want to be the one with my child during infancy/toddlerhood instead of a nanny or daycare. I did not say it was better than working outside the home or that a parent who doesn't feel this way is bad or that a child who goes to daycare or has a nanny is worse off. And then a bunch of working moms told me I was silly for feeling this way and replied with illogical arguments about a 3-month-old in daycare being the same as a 5-year-old in kindergarten.[/quote]

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