Reply to I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. Who's right?

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Reply to "I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. Who's right?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My son is at an intense college and I'd like to send him modest amounts of money because his debit card is practically empty and I don't want him working and getting in over his head academically. My DH said he has a shelter and a meal plan and needs to get a job for extra spending. My DH says he has colleagues at work whose kids work 20 plus hours per week, play sports, and go to college. He believes my son has too much free-time and is being lazy, and I'm trying to enable him with DH's money.[/quote]

Maybe I missed the answers that other asked before

1 - did son ask for money?  This is a lot of fuss being kicked up if he didn’t even ask.  In some ways I respect it more if he was prepared to make do and live within his budget.
2- what was son’s understanding of his spending budget if he volunteered part-time this summer?  Did he plan to work over the holiday or a few hours on campus to make up the money, planned to live off half the money, or assumed you would send him money?  Intentions matter.  If he assumes you would send him money, I’m sort of team DH.  If son had a plan, let him execute it.  What’s the new phrase, being a lawnmower parent where you knock all possible obstacles out of the way before your child gets to learn by trying and correcting mistakes him/herself.
3 - what’s the real deal why DH is upset?  Would he absolutely take the same hardline with your daughters when they go to college and won’t pay for sorority dues and/or send a monthly allowance?  Or was it something situational that got him upset.  Like for example, if my DH offers to drive carpool - and he often does, it’s fine but if I volunteer him without discussing and agreement (and perhaps negotiation like well if you drive Thursday, why don’t I take this weekend) - the whole thing is poison because of the way it went down.  At that point not only does he not want to do it, but from the outside you would say “he doesn’t want to drive his kids to activities” when that isn’t the real story.

Finally as to how to miove forward you need to be blunt with DH and figure out if it’s situational or you just have really different world views.  Address the situation/underlying issue if it’s really not about giving an allowance.

If you just see the world differently, since I’m more similar to your DH about spending money I can tell you the two paths that would work with me is  either suggesting a one time holiday gift that includes cash or suggesting some sort of matching funds like whatever he earns over the holiday break let’s match it up to x or the extra stuff he wants to buy over break lets’s pay half up to x.  With a one time holiday gift, the person isn’t dependent on it like a monthly allowance and there is no expectation that I can work less during the summer and expect a monthly allowance to make it up- no guarantee of what you get as a gift the next year.  With the matching funds/ pay half the person has skin in the game/sweat equity.  Maybe they make different spending decision because it is part their own money or they work more hours because the incentives are set up to encourage working.[/quote]

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