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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it [/quote]

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.[/quote]

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities.  Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff.  But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc.  So then I would invite someone to that.  [/quote]

I'm the person that the PP responded to (the one with two boys, one who struggled socially as a young kid and one who was athletic and popular as a young kid). I don't mean that my second kid was invited to more birthday parties than my first kid. Of course he was. That was not surprising, and just indicative of their different personalities, and I wouldn't have said that was cliquish. I meant like- moms and their kids would gather under one shady tree at the pool and when we walked in, despite living on the same block as these moms, I'd smile and wave and they'd pretend not to see me.  Or a few families would get together for a backyard grill on Saturday and not invite us, but invite the other families within walking distance.  And then once my younger son started elementary, suddenly the neighborhood was filled with all of these BBQs that we were invited to, and people waved us over to their shady tree at the pool, once I was bringing my younger kid and not my older one.  Some of the moms were the same women!!!  It was clearly because they wanted their kids to be friends with my second kid, and to be associated with him, but not my first.  It is the world we live in. FWIW, my first kid is going to an Ivy next year, but these particular women are not the type to be impressed by that- they're still more impressed by my second kid, who is not on track to go to an Ivy, but still is a great club soccer player and still "popular" in middle school. It says more about them than about either of my kids. [/quote]

Isn't it funny when adults adopt the same status hierarchies as little kids? Like when my kids were in early elementary and there was this jockeying for social position, the kids on top were pretty much always the sporty, outgoing, physically attractive kids. That's just how it is at that age, I remember it when I was young too. Kids only have so many metrics at their disposal, and those are the obvious ones -- soccer ability, looks, confidence. As you get older you realize there's a lot more nuance. Intelligence becomes more significant and valued, as well as qualities like kindness or creativity. Puberty changes how everyone looks, plus some kids grow into features or develop good style or hygiene to make the most of what they have. People also learn that some people have too much of a good thing -- if the confident kid becomes arrogant and condescending, people like him less, for instance.

As an adult, my friends are not all sporty, outgoing people. Some are, but some are quieter and more thoughtful. Some are very smart, others are artistic. What I value most are things like being easy to spend time with, being consistent and reliable, having a sense of humor, and being generally kind.

But then I'll talk to elementary parents and they are like "That Lucas is really fast, what a great kid. Man Sylvia is so comfortable around adults, I love it. Logan is a natural leader, you can tell." And then ignore literally all the other kids, or any nuance about their strengths and personalities. It's like reversion to a caveman mentality. Boy hit ball hard, it go far. Boy good! Just forgetting everything you've learned about human nature in the 30 or 40 years you've been alive and return to the most basic interpretation of status and value. It's so weird.[/quote]

youre the only weird one.[/quote]

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