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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband is acting cold towards my daughter, and it’s not okay.

Last night at dinner with my sister-in-law (it was her favorite restaurant), my daughter was already upset because she didn’t like where we were eating. She was acting rude toward my husband — eye rolling, attitude, etc. She got upset over something small and escalated into being openly disrespectful. My husband corrected her, which escalated things further, and she ended up hitting him — [b]once in the car[/b] and [b]again at home[/b].

She turned around and tried to walk away after that and he grabbed her phone, and made her stay in her bedroom the rest of the night. He said she was a brat. When she tried to come out, he yelled at her to stay inside. There was no tuck-in or goodnight.

This morning she woke up happy and came into our bedroom early and woke us up, apologized, gave us hugs, and seemed genuinely sorry. But my husband stayed very cold and didn’t have a calm conversation with her. She asked my husband for her phone back, but he told her no. She sat crying in our bed, ended up missing the bus, and I had to drive her 40 minutes to school while she cried the whole way. Now she thinks her dad doesn’t love her anymore because of how he’s treated her.

My daughter apologized to my husband, so how long can we expect my husband to act distant and cold. This isn’t  healthy for her, and I think my husband is being unreasonable.

How do you balance holding firm boundaries while also repairing things afterward?[/quote]

Wow.

Your DD hit your DH [b]twice[/b], with plenty of time in between.  DH is holding a boundary, you're caving and going along with DD, letting her think it's okay, but it's not.

Let me put it to you this way:

Pretend that it's a teen DS and you.  16-18yo DS hits you in the car because you said no.  Then he hits you again when you get home when you refuse to do what he wants.  Your DH excuses it, wants you to brush it under the carpet after some tears and an apology.

Then it happens again in a month.  And a few weeks after that.  Pretty soon, DS has learned that he can hit you whenever.

That's domestic abuse.  Your DD is younger and smaller than DH.  Doesn't matter.

He corrected her attitude (as he should) and stayed calm in the moment.  He took her phone, sent her to her room, made her stay when she tried to leave her room (would have been better without yelling, but whatever, minor in the whole story), and he didn't reward her behavior with tuck in or goodnight.

She shouldn't have been happy this morning.  She shouldn't have assumed that assault on a parent would be easily solved with tears and a quick apology.

She made a choice to have a crying fit on your bed vs getting out the door for the bus... and rather than making her figure out a new plan (public transit, uber, pay a friend's older sibling or parent, etc), you rescued her.

Yes, she's scared that he doesn't love her anymore.  That's a reasonable fear when you hit a parent twice!  They should be afraid of what the parent thinks and feels about them!

You need to have a discussion with DH, away from DD.  This was behavior to him, he was assaulted, and frankly?  He needs to be the one to put his foot down... with you backing whatever he decides.

I can tell you that if it were me with a mentally stable preteen or teen?  They would be copying local, state and federal statutes related to assault and domestic assault.  When they finished?  We'd have a long conversation about what happens when one adult or teen who looks like an adult assaults another adult in public... and that many states will bypass the victim to prosecute if they suspect domestic abuse.

Women don't get arrested or charged as often as men... but it does happen.[/quote]

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