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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi all and thanks for your posts. I read through everything. This place helps to get through some pretty tough times. I’ll answer some of the points above.

Exec Coach- We tried it, it did not work. DS says yes to the professional and expensive coach, then goes off with no change in behavior or buy in. I also recently (this school year) recruited our neighbor who is a young teacher, on extended maternity break. She would make a big list of things that need to be done in terms of follow ups with teachers and missing assignments, but then DS wouldn’t follow up when he’s at school…. We stopped during the holidays and then he never agreed to go back saying that it’s just a waste of money.

Homework: DS gets violently angry if I suggest that I sit next to him while he is doing his homework or if I’m just in the vicinity and I keep an eye on him. He starts yelling Go Away.
Yes, we talk almost every day when the money is right about composure, regulation, why school is important. It is now like my second job to keep reading up and watch content on how to parent a defiant teen with ADHD…

Tutor- DS rejects any tutor. “I don’t need a tutor. You will see. I will catch up on my own on missing assignments. And I will do a retake test. It doesn’t help and you will just waste the money.” - he says. We had online math tutor - DS told the tutor he had no questions and session kept being cut like that…

Doctor / neutral party talk. Our prescription is pretty minimal, and it is prescribed by a regular doctor. I was unable to get into psychiatrist - it is always either insurance problem or unavailability problem. So based on the diagnosis made by a psychologist, we got prescription from our family doctor. I think I was here before and folks recommended to have DS talk to the doctor directly. It was some months ago that DS talked to family doctor. He acted friendly and agreed to take medication but the moment we went to the car, he said he lied to the doctor. He he continued refusing medication. That doctor took time…. Explained everything; he said that his own children are taking it; explain that risks are minimal compared to benefits.

Lying: this behavior is constant. The latest lie is that DS skipped a class due to not being ready and then lied about it. This happened twice; same subject — history. And this is how I know that ability is not a problem… history requires reading and stamina to get through lengthy readings… and I clearly see that DS is unable to do that. On the other hand, DS is in honors geometry class. He’s able to handle it if he studies but this one is slipping too lately.

Latest issues: DS became violent breaking the property when I took away his phone and comp privilege… he broke the full body mirror in his room and into shreds. And pulled ceiling height bookcase off the anchoring, and onto the floor… in other words, his room was trashed. I read up and this is elimination strategy. When teens know that the punishment is real, they act out in order to eliminate the threat in this way… this was a few weeks ago and we started individual therapy with a new provider. She seems very young and not sure she can handle it. You folks know that it is not easy to find a therapist that is a good match. Online therapy is fam therapy and DS wants to stop it - he says it is not helpful.

I am probably forgetting something….
I think my immediate plan is to have a family doctor talk to him again. I already have an appointment and also even though it is a long time just to get a psychiatrist appointment.

I am so worn out that I think of going on FMLA…[/quote]

OP you need much better help than your family doctor and a young therapist. Despite what people say, ADHD medications are not going to solve what you listed - and you cannot force him to take it anyway. You need the support of a therapist experienced in behavioral issues because your home has far too much conflict that you seem to be triggering. In the interim you need to back way, way off of demands and punishments until you develop a plan with the support of a therapist. The therapist is for YOU not your kid. Drop everything else except for positive things you do with him. [/quote]

We’ve been through something very similar with my son.

He needs a psychiatrist, full stop.  A family doctor is simply not equipped to deal with these issues.  And if your son is having outbursts, a stimulant medication is going to make them worse, not better.  He may not be articulating it, and he may not even be  self-aware enough to notice, but the ADHD medication probably makes him feel worse, not better, as is often the case with someone who has emotional regulation problems like you describe.

He either needs some type of SSRI or mood stabilizer, then something to help with the ADHD (stimulant or non-stimulant) or a non-stimulant like Intuniv or Strattera.  Only a psychiatrist can help figure out what would work best and he may need to try several meds or even combos of meds before finding the right solution.

Let your son talk to the psychiatrist directly so he feels ownership in coming up with his treatment plan.

He needs a good therapist.  Often it takes trying out several before you find the one he connects with and respects.  My son now has a therapist (his forth) who he helped select and he really likes and respects. She’s great about explaining the neuroscience behind his ADHD and anxiety and that resonates with him (it’s not something that would resonate with me).  It’s amazing- he listens to her in a way he won’t listen to us.  A recent example was he refused to take a SAT prep course bc it “took too much time”.  His therapist talked to him about how much this can improve his score and open up college choices (which we tried to explain).  He came home from a therapy session and asked me to sign him up for the course.

Drop the rope on tutoring and homework. Honestly, until he wants to succeed, all this is doing is creating battles you’re not going to win.  It’s so hard to stop wanting to intervene.  But you simply cannot make him want good grades.  My son got a 3.0 freshman year, a 3.4 sophomore year and now has a 3.89 as a junior.  He didn’t start caring about his grades until late last year once we let him know his school was not our responsibility and his success or failure in school was all on him. We did everything we could to try to help him and he floundered.  Now that we stopped, he’s finally putting forth the effort.

Therapy for you.  You need help setting boundaries with him.  You also need to not make this your entire focus right now.  Going out on FMLA would be the worst thing you could do bc you wouldn’t have the distraction of work.  This is hard, but your son’s issues are part of his life experience.  You can try to help him, but there’s only so much you can do and ultimately, he’s going to have to figure out how to cope with his ADHD and emotional disregulation.  You can do everything in the world to give him all the tools to succeed, but nothing will work until he starts using them.  Similar to how an alcoholic won’t get better until they can admit they’ve lost control and need help, your son’s issues won’t start improving until he’s ready to start doing the work.  Getting him on the right medication (not a stimulant, which is only increasing irritability and emotional disregulation) is the first step to allow his brain to think more logically so that he can be open to help.[/quote]

PP. yes ITA about needing a psychiatrist too! [/quote]

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