Reply to DH is dismissive of my input about SD(10)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP you remind me of my stepmom. There is a certain kind of blended family that operates like this: our happiness matters most, and damn the torpedoes. Meaning, a bunch of choices get made, usually for life, and the kids are just expected to roll with it. Divorce, new marriages, more babies, changing custody schedules now that there are more babies...the adults adjust everyone's lives with pretty minimal thought to how the kids feel about it. And sure, adults have to run the show. Your scenario about you being more involves with daily details and behavioral issues than your H is common. He's earning big dollars, you stay at home. He's distracted and frankly wants the bumps in the road smoothed out.

But I want to point out what happens on the kids' end while you two are busy negotiating the broken headphones: they very clearly get the message that they have no say. I grew up like this. Remarriages, new kids, lots of money (less each year as new family members got added though, and now I have a gaggle of stepsiblings living on my Dad's dime). It's not great, and I'm not talking about the money, although that does kind of suck. It's my Dad's chronic, never ending guilt and conflict about not being able to be present and connect, in any real way, with all these kids he created, and my stepmom's endless irritation, expressed in both big and small ways, that we still exist, frankly. Kids aren't stupid. You think there's not some pretty deep biology at play here while you're gestating a new baby and SD is trying to sleep in Dad's room? Come on.

I'm probably shouting into the wind here, because parents like this really do view their kids as passengers and life as a trip they're dictating. This is where we're going kids, buckle up, no we're not stopping for snacks. There's worse family situations. But I will remind you as your next baby comes...your SD was around before you were. She's a whole person with a deep biological connection to the man you're now married to, and that isn't changing. Consider seeing her as her own person: of course she's sleeping in her single mom's bed at home at age 10 while you expand your family. Seeing things from her point of view might go a long way.[/quote]

I am also a COD and while I can understand your position and empathize, the fact is that not all kids feel this way nor do they carry the resentments into adulthood.

What do you consider the alternative? Should your father have consulted you (a child) first before he decided to date? If you said no should he have complied? Should it have been your decision to dictate that he spend the rest of his life alone? Should he have consulted you about his finances and asked what YOU wanted him to do with his money? Should he have consulted YOU before he and his wife decided to have children?  (For the record, there are many adult kids who still want to have this kind of control over a parent's life - it's not just small children.)

I certainly agree that people should take care of the children they have, both financially and emotionally, before having more. But I don't think that children should be the ultimate voice on what decisions the parents make.  Even in the worst case scenarios, if you ask a child if their parents should split up they will tell you "NO!" Does that mean that someone should stay in a marriage where they are being physically or psychologically abused? Or their spouse is repeatedly cheating on them?

You said, "You think there's not some pretty deep biology at play here while you're gestating a new baby and SD is trying to sleep in Dad's room?"

Of course there is. But many will have a different opinion than you do. A 10-year-old knowingly inserts herself into the marital bedroom and it should not have been acceptable. Period. I do agree the father here needs to step up and have a conversation with SD about his love and concern for her AND the fact that life is different now, and that it now includes SM and her half-siblings. This is something that SD's mother should also talk about. That life doesn't stay the same, nor the way we always want it to be.

Resilience is a life-long condition that is needed to live the best life you can. Learning that skill early is key.

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