Reply to Drama queen siblings acting like our parents were terrible

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[quote=Anonymous]I am from a family of 4 kids, and we had a "not great" or "imperfect" childhood. Parents had kids really young (mom was still a teenager), didn't have a great marriage, were pretty immature (they didn't have great role models). There was some physical abuse and a lot of yelling, but also they did try as hard as they could. They were up against their own issues from their own childhoods and would have benefited from therapy and other interventions (or just waiting to have kids and perhaps weren't the right people for each other).

Giving that background to say: each of the four adult kids in the family has a vastly different view of our childhood and our parents and, honestly, I think each viewpoint is valid.

Sibling 1 (oldest): Thinks our childhood was great, classic 70s/80s upbringing, parents did what they could, considers himself lucky. Also this sibling was a really hard teenager, got in a lot of trouble as a teen and in his 20s that parents bailed him out of. Has gotten a lot of help from parents as an adult, including financial and practical help when his first marriage failed. Would up working with our dad for a long time. Generally thinks our parents did a good job, grateful to them for all the help over the years, wants to "pay them back" for that help by being especially kind to them now.

Sibling 2: Currently barely speaks to parents. Has been in therapy with our mom off and on for years. Tried to do therapy with our dad but it was determined this was not worthwhile. This sibling was actually the golden child for 40+ years (before she essentially cut off parents). Never got in trouble as a teen, was mature and responsible, is very pretty, was first to get married and have kids. For a long time she was the "respect your elders" sibling, even more than the oldest, and could be resentful and judgmental when other siblings would bail on holidays or expressed frustration with our parents. But then she went to therapy, realized she has a lot of issues as a result of some of the violence and chaos in our house as kids and some unhealthy family dynamics (I think she was very enmeshed with our parents for many years) and it was like a switch flipped. Now she is most critical of our parents, though also critical of all the siblings. Pretty much none of us has a relationship with her. Our mom clings to a slim and very curtailed relationship with her.

Sibling 3 (me): Also a responsible "good kid" growing up, but since always in the shadow of Sibling 2, flew under the radar (slash was ignored and neglected, the truth of that is in the eye of the beholder). Being invisible led me to get the heck out of dodge -- I moved far away, started a totally different life and have maintained distant but cordial relationships with everyone (even Sibling 2 until recently when she went nuclear on everyone). I think our childhood was messed up, I've been in therapy for a long time to deal with the impact of both the hitting/yelling and also just being ignored for most of my childhood. But I also empathize with my parents and can see they did their best (while also recognizing their best was not very good). I'm the sibling who uses the word "boundaries" a lot but also doesn't have a lot of anger or resentment at this point.

Sibling 4: Had a hugely difficult childhood, much harder even than Sibling 1. Likely has undiagnosed ADHD. Had health and mental health issues all through school. Still struggles with emotional regulation. Has been through a lot as an adult, struggles with mental health and substance abuse issues. Is close to our parents but it's an uneasy alliance -- they smother him sometimes but also he needs their help so much. He vascilates between thinking he's a huge f*** up and our parents are saints for putting up with it, to raging at them and blaming them for all his problems. there is honestly truth to both extremes.

I don't think any of us are wrong. Not even Sibling 2 even though right now I do think it's unfortunate she's gone close to no contact across the board. I just think even if you don't think our childhood was true "trauma" (parents stayed married, we were never poor, the physical abuse mostly took the form of corporal punishment, it was a different time when their approach to parenting was considered pretty normal), most people would see it was dysfunctional and that especially in such a large family, it caused issues. We all deal with those issues in different ways. I don't think anyone's approach is totally wrong or totally right. We are different people and need different things.[/quote]

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