Reply to Parents getting upset about any group invitation

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would actually assume this issue is more complex than OP is letting on. Just based on my observations of similar situations at our own school. It doesn't mean it's nefarious or that OP is at fault, I would just guess that there are other factors at play that make the other mom's behavior make a little more sense.

OP saying that she and these other moms have been friends since their kids were babies and that they have their own friendship independent of the kids and the school is probably a major source of the issue. I get why this happens but it pretty much always causes problems. If it's just one or two families who know each other it's not a big thing, but when you get a to a group of moms that's like 5-10, or more, who have this pre-existing friendship, it becomes awkward. Those women will always talk to each other, and will also feel little value in making an effort with other families in the grade because they already have their friends. Their kids will often all be friends and will play together, which creates a similar dynamic among the kids. So then the kids of the other parents start coming home and talking about how there is this group of kids who all play together and dont' include others. Ideally the other kids will just start creating their own groups but the problem is that this requires the other kids not to become fixated on this existing group, whose familiarity with each other will bestow a kind of popular aura on them, and then the other kids will want to break into that group instead of creating their own. This is just a weird phenomenon of group dynamics that happens often whether you want it to or not.

So the existing friend group feels exclusionary even though it really shouldn't be a big deal that some people are already friends. It tilts the balance of power and creates all these little negative interactions for the people outside the group (both kids and adults). A kid will get upset they weren't invited to a birthday party because the group is talking about the party at school and everyone else feels left out. A mom will get the brush off at a PTA meeting when she tries to strike up a conversation with a member of the group, because that person just wants to chat with her existing friends. And these little moments build up and it becomes a thing. It's not exactly anyone's fault, it just happens. And the people in the friend group will roll their eyes and say "whatever, make your own friends, not everyone has to be invited." And this is 100% correct but it also ignores the fact that they are immune to the negative dynamics created by the existence of this groups, by virtue of being on the inside instead of the outside. A little empathy can go a long way there, but people don't always have the energy or motivation to practice it. So it all just compounds.

The good news is that this mostly goes away in middle school. Kids create their own friendships and parents are less involved in schools, so the friend group will just stop being an issue for the kids or the other parents. It's just these few years in K-5 where it can be a problem. I've seen it happen twice, once from the inside of the friend group and once from the outside, and it's annoying to people for a while and then doesn't matter anymore.[/quote]

Disagree.  Only people who strive to be on the inside feel negative about interactions.  Most people do not care and will make their own groups alliances, and acquaintances.  Very few people would feel so strongly about not being invited to a small gathering that they insert themselves and demand being invited next time.  I cannot fathom getting this bent out of shape over hearing about someone else’s plans. OP has done nothing wrong at all and isn’t responsible for the other lady’s feelings, or her kid’s. [/quote]

Disagree with your disagreement.  The key phrase was balance of power.  Theoretically the balance of power is distributed within the class but in practice these sorts of groups exert, sometimes unknowingly, extra power because they are in a sense organized.

The broader class dynamics start revolving around their interests and needs, due in part to first mover advantages, which then creates structural barriers to entry that leave the unaffiliated unable to break in.[/quote]

I'm sorry - but just no - raising kids and finding your own adult friends is hard enough. Parents need to create their own social strategies and realities. Take the lead, don't lose your mind because your kid was not included in an activity with people that don't know you or your kid  There are way more people in your situation than the small group that got there (made a friend group) first.   Kids and parents that are true friends find each other.  Sometimes it takes time - but there are plenty of parents and friends to go around.  [/quote]

What are you assuming that is talking about?  There is nothing in there about creating a social strategy or new reality.  It's a straight forward analysis of the impact of small group dynamics on a larger group.[/quote]

Get a grip, if 7 people in a group of 120 want to get together with their children it shouldn’t bother you. Make an effort. 9/10 of these people complaining about being left out of their child left out have likely made a lot of assumptions that they won’t be included in this group even if they wanted to (which they insist they don’t after writing post after post about how awful and detrimental to society this is. Make an effort.

As the OP, my issue is when you make no effort, do not initiate or even respond to previous invitations, then freak out and confront a bunch of people how awful they were to do this- you know, not keeping including you when you can’t be bothered to reply. If you don’t care, then don’t react period. There’s nothing to react to and as others have pointed out if you don’t like this small group, there’s 100+ other families. Stop focusing on them. [/quote]

You're still perseverating on this confrontation that happened 6 months ago and are telling someone else to get a grip? This woman really rattled you to your core. Hilarious.[/quote]

No, it’s an ongoing thing. The one 6 months ago was the biggest incident with about 10 people being confronted including her husband being involved confronting multiple husbands with calls and texts lashing out. This happens at least once a month, with the most recent being in the last 2 weeks where she let multiple people know she was mad and showed up places giving some the silent treatment completely and not responding at all. As I said, she’s not being left out. The host said immediately just let me know if you ever hear of anything, of course you’re included if you want to be. At the same time, she does get invited to many things and doesn’t respond or rsvp (things for the kids and adults). I personally go out of my way to let her know of things whenever a group is involved even though we aren’t really friends and she hasn’t been great to me because when we talked about the incident I promised I would keep her in the loop as much as I can because she asked me to. What’s frustrating is that lack of effort or initiative and then total freak out if someone drops the ball on telling her. It’s exhausting. You don’t need to react to every time you feel sad or left out. We all feel this way at times. It’s not intentional. As I said, I’ve invited her to dozens of things over the years and can’t think of one she’s included me in or made an effort. [/quote]

Well i guess you crossed the wrong person. Oh well.[/quote]

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