Reply to Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

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Reply to "Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]After my husband cheated on me, lied about it, and blew up our marriage, I put so much pressure on myself to get past it and get back to normal, even though he never really apologized. [b]And it wasn't just what he'd done to me, it was that those things were symptomatic of larger patterns of lying, control, and entitlement.[/b] I wish I'd said "things are different now" and not continued to be available to him both sexually and emotionally instead of spending years trying to be ok.

I think if you are not going to be monogamous, you should tell your spouse. But I don't think it's crazy to say, they broke the agreement and you are not obligated to abide by it. If they don't like that, they can be the one to end the marriage. [/quote]

The bold is so true. Cheating is not so much about the sex (or lack thereof); it is more about lying, control and entitlement.  The problem of cheating is BOTH non-monogamous sex in the context of prior agreement by both parties to monogamy AND lying about it to control the reaction of the spouse thus revealing the cheater's sense of entitlement.

It's wild to me that so many people in this thread feel that the cheater is entitled to his victim's continued monogamy and honesty - as if the perpetrator is entitled to continue to control his victim's behavior. [/quote]

I’m kind of alarmed at people’s understanding of what “honesty” means in the context of being a decent, ethical person.

[b] I’m not honest to someone as some sort of favor to them, I’m honest because I am an honest person who holds myself to a higher standard.  If I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone that involves honesty, my only reasonable option is exiting that relationship. [/b]

A lot of this seems to be about some ugly power dynamics and seizing control back from cheaters and that’s fine but seriously you might as well leave.[/quote]

This.

Just because they cheat doesn't mean you also have to/get to become a cheater. You can leave and remain true to yourself and your values.

Lotta folx on this thread telling about themselves. "I'm only honest/loyal/decent IF..." Nah, sweetie. You are or you aren't. Pick.[/quote]

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