Reply to Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

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Reply to "Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it.  Wants me 100% committed to making things work.  In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life.  I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself.  And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

[quote=Anonymous]I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement. [/quote][/quote]

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

[/quote][/quote]
So he gets to dictate all terms of your new marriage? The old marriage died when he betrayed you. If you stay you will be building a new one (which may end up to be a better one) and that takes time. You can’t just magically begin to trust him again just b/c he says he’s sorry. It’s not fair to expect you to process the betrayal, basically be forced into staying b/c of the kids AND trust him again all in a matter of weeks or months. What do YOU need to be able to move forward? Do you need him to feel the same pain of betrayal so you feel understood? Most men divorce when their wives cheat - they can’t handle that pain. Too humiliating.

IMHO if you really feel like you have to stay for the kids, then do what YOU need to do to move forward. [b]You don’t owe him honesty until he’s earned your trust back.[/b][/quote]

Oh, ewww... Honesty is for YOU, because you're an honest person. It's not some sort of bonus that needs to be earned. You're either honest or you're not. If you are, cheating and other dishonest behaviors are off the menu. If you're not, no amount of someone else being trustworthy is going to make you more honest.[/quote]

As someone who has been in this situation, I'll just say..... healthy adults have boundaries. I don't go around telling total strangers personal things about myself - how I feel, what I know (or don't), whether I am having sex (or not), making promises about the future - that kind of information is for people I know and trust (trust that they won't use it to manipulate me).  My husband essentially became a stranger overnight to me - everything I thought I knew about him was a lie. Of course he doesn't enjoy the same level of honesty from me that he had before. I'm not going to engage in lies of
commission, but there's an awful lot I don't share or won't answer and that is for my own safety. [/quote]

DP. I agree. We do not owe everyone all information. And furthermore, there’s nothing dishonest about an affair after your spouse has done the same. They are no longer entitled to that level of information. [/quote]

This is disgusting. "He cheated, so I don't have to tell him I'm cheating to because it's not cheating because he cheated"

That's a LOT of mental yoga, PP.[/quote]

DP, the idea that a victim spouse would be “cheating” to step out on the cheater spouse assumes that there is 1) a continuing obligation to be monogamous and 2) that there is an obligation to share with one’s spouse any non-monogamous activity.

As the victim spouse, I believe that the cheater spouse, by the act of cheating breaks the monogamy contract and the result of that is that the victim spouse no longer has either obligation 1 or 2 above.

It’s not about “revenge”. It’s the simple logic of contracts/bargains.  If I explicitly bargain with you that that we both agree not to do X, and you do X (and worse yet, do it in secret because you know if you tell me *I* might react in a way you don’t want), then our bargain is over, and there is no obligation on me to continue to perform my end of the bargain.

The cheater spouse may (delusionally) expect continued monogamy from the victim spouse, but that strikes me as pretty narcissistic and unreasonable. Some victim spouses may agree to re-negotiate monogamy (for a wide variety of reasons), but no victim spouse is obliged to continue to be monogamous after cheating. [/quote]

There's your trouble: victimese. You're no longer yourself, beholden to your own integrity standards. You're "a victim" so the rules no longer matter, nor does your integrity, and you'll do whatever.

Which makes you just as bad as the perp.
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