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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable. [/quote]

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.” [/quote]

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

[b]A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them[/b]. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.[/quote]

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD).  I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home.  So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more.  And honestly?  Sometimes they might be right.  Sometimes. [/quote]

I'm the PP and while sometimes this is true[b], it's also true that men wield that "sometimes" as a weapon against their wives. [/b]It is very easy to say "you should just chill, the dishes can be done later" and "you should just chill, the kids don't need baths EVERY night" and "you should just chill, it's okay if Larlo is a little behind in math, he'll catch up" and "you should just chill, that rotting step on the back deck isn't that big of a deal -- we'll get to it eventually" and "you should just chill, we don't have to plan out our whole summer in January, camps surely don't fill up that fast," and "you should just chill, of course Larla can go to school today, it's probably just a cold," and so on and so on and son on.

A dynamic where a mom who worries about anything at all is "uptight" and has standards that are "too high" will always be an unequal dynamic, no matter how many things that mom decides to "just chill" on because her DH is using the dynamic to ensure he never has to do anything or worry about anything. He's relying on his wife to be NOT chill, and make sure that step gets fixed and research math tutors online and create a bath schedule so the kids don't go got school filthy, and know that actually, yeah, camps do fill up by February so you need to get on it, and Carla does not just have a cold since she's running a fever and can barely get out of bed so one of you (mom, obviously, since she's the not chill one) needs to stay home to take care of her. And the not chill mom will do all the stuff all while being told she's a helicopter mom and she worries to much. And DH gets to be soooooo chill and relaxed and roll his eyes at mom, sometimes in front of the kids and other parents. Lol, moms, amiright? They worry so much for no reason.[/quote]

It's called "Weaponized Incompetence".

Who hasn't seen their husband doing something incorrectly for the 40th time and so we say "Forget it! I'll just do it!" and he says "You do it better than me, anyway".  That's weaponized Incompetence.

They think by complimenting our prowess, that we'll forget and be fine with doing literally everything. 
Men quickly learn if they want to get out of doing something, just flub it intentionally, negate they know we want it a certain way, that we'll ride on in to the rescue and do it ourselves.

Break the habit now... let him struggle, no matter how much it raises your anxiety, let him do it
[/quote]

I'm the PP and while I agree that weaponized incompetence is an issue, that's not what I was talking about.

I was talking about how society often paints wives/mothers as simply zealous -- caring too much about things that don't matter, having unreasonably high standards for parenting and home life.

This stereotype is rooted in some fact-- women do sometimes create pressures for ourselves, to excel in every aspect of life, and we could stand to go easier on ourselves (and our loved ones) at times.

However, not all women are perfectionists and not all efforts by women are overzealous or unnecessary. But men sometimes use this perception of women to adopt this nonchalant "chill dad" persona and dismiss EVERYTHING their wives do as unnecessary. But if course it is not, and the whole identity if "chill dad" relies fully in having a competent partner actually making the gears of their lives turn, all to enable him to roll his eyes about how his wife overextends herself.

This is not weaponized incompetence. It's more like weaponizing the competence of women... against women.[/quote]

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