Reply to It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard. [/quote]

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working). [/quote]

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.[/quote]

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “[b]Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.”[/b] It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.[/quote]

Do you know any real people? Most people who work wouldn’t call it exciting experiences, it is a paycheck. Very few people make or female really love their jobs. Also if you think SAHMS just mop and fold laundry then you must not know any. There are many valuable and rewarding ways in which one can use their time. [/quote]

Like Pilates and lunch duty?

If not, can you explain what is valuable and rewarding?[/quote]

That’s not what I do but given your examples I’m not sure what is wrong with taking care of yourself and contributing to your community? Does one need a paycheck to validate their existence? Is the HR manager more valuable than the person who volunteers at the school and runs the Cub Scout troop? [/quote]

The HR manager and the person who runs the Cub Scout troop and volunteers at the school are (statistically) all the same person. Parents who have jobs outside the home still volunteer and coach and lead extra curricular activities.

[/quote]

Right but you’re missing the point.  Many people don’t need to earn a paycheck to be fulfilled or feel as though they are adding value.  Most people are working for a paycheck and would not continue working if their employer stopped paying them.

My parents were wealthy and my mom didn’t work past the age of 32.  She played tennis, socialized, kept a nice home and traveled extensively.  Think the south of France every July.  She had no desire to work for a living and the money wasn’t necessary.  If I had to guess, she likely would have felt bad for someone sitting in front of a laptop all day instead of someone outside enjoying nature and meeting up with friends.

There are a lot of posters on here who are very fulfilled by work and can’t fathom an existence not working.   There is a lot more to life than your job.  [/quote]

Perhaps,  but the question was whether the HR manager is more “valuable” than the Cub Scout volunteer— as though those two things are mutually exclusive.

Your mother sounds like she was happy and fulfilled but nothing you describe her doing is “valuable”. [b]Why isn’t it enough for SAHMs to just…be happy and fulfilled? Why do we need to make up a story about them adding value[/b]?[/quote]

Because there has been a push for women to be treated as men and men are judged for their actions and the value they add.  It’s no longer appropriate for a woman to just be a homemaker and enjoy her life while raising children and tending to a house.  She has to earn an income or provide some sort of labor for others outside of her immediate family.  [/quote]

I think you’re making up a problem. 
Stay at home homes of school aged kids could be doing ‘more’. That’s not a new societal expectation, it’s just the observation of anyone with eyes and a brain. Should they be doing more? If they can afford not to work, and still set their kids up with nest eggs and pay for college so no student loans then sure - enjoy! But expecting society to recognize sahm of school aged kids as a full time ‘job’ is ridiculous and a waste of everyone’s time [/quote]

What’s ridiculous is your bizarre insistence on gatekeeping here.  If a woman tells you her job is being a SAHM or a housewife and you disagree with her characterization of what she does as a job, just smile and nod and move the hell on with your life and your own business.  Why are you wasting your time (and hers) trying to prove her wrong?[/quote]

A. The whole point of the thread is to have an opinion on this. If you don’t like this one, why not just smile and nod and move on with your life rather than try prove it wrong?

B. Because it’s a lie and if full time working moms can do a job while kids are at school AND all the things sahms describe as a ‘full time job’ - they’re going to say so rather than be quiet. I’m sure sahms can handle it.

[b]Look - if dh earned enough for me to not work plus save to help my kids, plus vacas etc - I wouldn’t have my same job (I would personally prob have another thing but I get why someone would not).  But I wouldn’t be out there saying I ‘couldn’t’ work bc being a sahm to school aged kids is a full time job. [/quote][/b]

This, right here. I would not do the high earning stressful job I have now. I'd do something stress free and part time. But it's ok to say you don't want to... just don't say you CAN'T[/quote]

Why can't a woman admit she "can't" be a good mom if she works FT?  Maybe that's her truth!  Maybe she knows she is too high-anxiety, low-energy, disorganized, or whatever, to be a *good* parent if she had to devote around 40 hours of her week to paid employment?  It's not like it's easy.  [/quote]

Why can’t SAHM admit the same?

They get stressed out by kids activities and housework and are bored and drink too much during the day.

Let be real SAHM’s do mimosas 1st day of school because they hate being around their kids.[/quote]

You misunderstood.  I was talking about SAHMs.  The PP said SAHMs should admit that they don’t want to also work, not say that they “can’t”.  My point is that, no, there are some SAHMs that really can’t also work FT and still be a good parent - they just aren’t cut out for that.  They and their home would end up crazed and stressed and bad for their children.

[/quote]

So what your are saying is that OP, literally can’t work and take care of children. Okay I agree. But I disagree she spends more quality time, she simply needs and takes more alone time.[/quote]

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