Reply to Why don’t more parents understand that adult kids have leverage nowadays to cut off contact, and

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.[/quote]

See? Here’s someone responding to the topic. This thread is about someone who feels like their parents don’t love or respect them and is ready to cut them off.  If that’s not you, and if you’re not interested in learning from this person’s perspective, there are other threads you can visit where you crap on your adult kids for not being who you want them to be.[/quote]

You and OP define “lack of love and respect” as not paying for out-of-state college or a Manhattan condo although op is convinced they could afford to get her one.

I hope you can see the problem here, but I worry that your own narcissism and op’s are blinding you to this outrageous entitlement. [/quote]

You have no idea what you’re talking about.  The lack of love I’m referring to is not related to anything material. I’m sure OP would give it all back if she could reclaim her identify.

“No thanks, I’ve got this” “that doesn’t work for me” “I won’t be able to join you, I’m working”  “I’m sorry. I can’t join you on your vacation , it’s not in the budget.  You are welcome to visit us”. These are the words she’ll find herself saying.  And with time she will grow the confidence in herself that her parents failed to nurture.  If she doesn’t, she’ll end up miserable and codependent on these people.  Probably get married to someone she’s financially dependent on, and repeat the cycle with her own kids.

I suggested the OP cut herself free now, before it’s too late for her.  She was a child when these things happened—she feels she was bullied or manipulated into situations that weren’t right for her, that her parents disregarded her feelings and implemented their own agenda, and demanded “love” in return.

Parents have enormous control and power over their children, they SHOULD be careful with it.  Kids don’t grow up to be “entitled” on their own. I feel awful for her and it’s clear she didn’t receive the love she needed growing up. Now she’s an adult who can and should make her own life.[/quote]

Of course, phrases like “No thanks, I’ve got this” “that doesn’t work for me” “I won’t be able to join you, I’m working” “I’m sorry. I can’t join you on your vacation , it’s not in the budget. You are welcome to visit us” are phrases that any mature adult would use.

But. You’ve imagined a whole backstory for op based on some simple facts like that her parents waited until she was a senior to buy her a car, and won’t pay for out-of-state tuition.

How can you possibly argue these are out-of-line or anything approaching mental abuse? You’re projecting your own issues onto op.

Are you a parent? Are you willing to pay for any college no matter what your financial circumstances? Are you willing to buy your massively entitled kid a car as soon as she asks for it? You sound like a toxic parent who is raising spoiled monsters. [/quote]

I’m explaining to OP that her feelings not going to change unless she changes herself.  The time spent under her parents control is relatively short, and she has the next 60 years or so to learn how to be a grown up, even though her parents have failed to teach her.

As for me and my child, we don’t have a transactional relationship.  He is getting a certain amount of financial support from us to get him started on the path to adulthood, and we are careful to leave his choices to him. As a result, he’s a mature young man, who makes pretty good decisions without us interfering. And when things doesn’t work out, we are there to guide him emotionally through the consequences.  We don’t just buy his way out of trouble, or corner him into the life we want him to live.

I want an independent child , not one who whines to me about everything and needs me for more than my time and advice when asked.  If that means they have friends, hobbies, careers, and homes that are different than what I would choose? How is that a problem for me? It’s not.  The financial support I’m giving is there to empower him, not box him in.[/quote]

Nobody, well maybe almost nobody, wants a transactional relationship with their kid. And it's not clear OP's family was making college transactional either--they just didn't want to pay oos and the car came too late for op's liking.

But. You say you're giving your kid limited financial support with no strings. Will you agree to take on parent PLUS loans, or to cosign your kid's loans, when your kid uses this freedom to decide they want to go oos or to a $70k private? Because if the answer is "no," then OP would claim you're abusive too.[/quote]

It seems her parents failed to explain that they were not willing to obligate themselves to co-sign on her student debt, and why.   And that she didn’t explain to them sufficiently why it mattered to her, (not that they would have listened to her?)

Here are something’s OP’s parents probably never said:

“We can only afford state school, but we will put the money aside for you to put towards whatever school you decide to attend, and help you finance your choice (or not, depending on our risk tolerance, which we will explain).” “Here are some things to consider about spending on private school” “If you stay in state, and save the money, there may me more available for graduate school” “tell us why you think oos school will better set you up for the future”. Etc etc.  instead it sounds like they had rules that were never explained and she felt she was being forced.  When you “grow up” like that, you never grow up.

We talk through our son’s decisions and make sure they are well informed. He usually takes our advice …because he trusts and respects us…because we trust and respect him.  Sometimes he doesn’t and that’s ok.  It either works out or it doesn’t and we are there to help him troubleshoot next steps.

So many people just don’t give their kids any credit and it backfires on them like it has with OP.  At a certain point, you have to let them make big decisions and own the consequences themselves. Including them in decision making early into adulthood, like planning for college, prepares them for life.

I’m lucky I married someone whose parents modeled much healthier family decision making than my own.  It’s not always easy, but treating your your adult kids like adults teaches them to act like adults.  It takes a little effort.[/quote]

OP's parents absolutely told her they'd fully finance state school but wouldn't finance OOS or private university. Otherwise, why would OP have gone to guidance counselor to try to do an end-run around them?

It's useless to speculate about what OP's said to her about private and oos colleges because we just don't know. For all we know, they patiently explained the things you suggested.

You seem determined to excuse OP's entitled behavior by a) blaming her parents for not paying for more than in-state and b) imagining that they never told her why. The facts we have just don't support that.[/quote]

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