Reply to DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]He is not going to change.  Accept this and these are your choices:

Accept him as he is and stay.
Leave him.
Hire 24/7 nannies if you stay.[/quote]

#3 is unrealistic unless OP wins the lottery

#2 is going to make logistics and finances far more stressful

#1 is likely your best bet, OP, and that is being REALISTIC about what will make him most likely to stay while also creating the most family friendly career for you that can be ramped up to become more lucrative in case he chooses not to stay, the divorce rate is something else to be realistic about

Therapy for you to explore boundaries, process the resentment you likely do or will feel, etc. That feeling of being "needed" can be like a drug, whether at work or from a guy we are dating who can't get enough of our attention but it can also prevent a clear eyed view of the situation or person. The kids are here now and this guy is your husband. Divorce tends to make many problems worse and isn't likely to fix yours. So, make the best of things and work on radical acceptance of what is and what you can control.

There are likely a lot of childhood issues at play for you, why you chose this guy, feel so hooked at work, have created an impossible situation from which you hoped DH would be the white knight, etc. Instead think of him as an emotionally manipulative 3rd child, more or less and think what kind of family is realistic with the pieces that are in play. You are going to need to really emotionally connect with the kids with a secure attachment style bc he does not. But, you may need to step up financially in the future, another reality you need to lay the groundwork for.

Step one: come up with a realistic plan re: scaling back work to your degree of childcare coverage and bringing that along with a pitch for a raise to your funders. If all the other adults have left the room, there IS money. But again, OP, read the room, what did they all see that you are glossing over with stars in your eyes? With more money you can outsource some care and cleaning. The kids still need a lot of love and nurture from you.

Good luck! With the guy you picked you are going to need it I am afraid. [/quote]

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