Reply to MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If this situation did not involve a mother in law and daughter in law, would people feel the same way about how this was handled?

In the earlier example, how would people feel if your neighbors the Smiths, who had attended the Green family's party every year for many years, invited people seven months ahead of time to a party for St, Patrick's day when they were well aware that the Greens, the family that has held this party for about ten years, is still planning to have it?

Would you feel that the Smiths were for some reason trying to "steal" the party from the Greens?

Would you think the Green family would have a right to be upset that their whole guest list was invited to someone else's house for a party they had intended to give?

Would you feel that neighborhood tradition counts for something and be on the side of the Green family?

Or would you think that someone new should get to have the party?

What if the Smiths had a bigger house and nicer linens, china, and silver? Does that give them the upper hand for having the party at their house?

I'm just curious about how people feel about a situation like this when you take away the mother and daughter in law dynamic. (And something similar to the above actually happened in my neighborhood, so I have an idea about how people reacted in real life.)
[/quote]

Except this doesn't hold up as a good example. Why?

- Because St. Patrick's Day isn't a meaningful holiday for most people. 
-Because St. Pat's isn't a day traditionally spent with family.
-Because, logistically speaking, St. Pat's Day does not = time off work, time off school, time off from sports events and other obligations; the world doesn't "stop" for St. Pat's Day, so it's not a good opportunity to travel to see family.
-Because St. Pat's Day isn't typically celebrated in a home-with-family environment.
-Because St. Pat's Day doesn't typically involve overnight guests and the "prime time hosting opportunity" that Thanksgiving presents (best food, best dishes, chance to pull out all the stops and use your good stuff)

But even if we worked with your scenario, sorry, I just don't think the Greens own St. Patrick's Day. Would a heads-up phone call be nice (like the one DH gave to his mother)? Yes. But the Greens don't own that holiday. People can decide to go where they want to go.

I don't think OP even mentioned her bigger house except in the context that it is more comfortable for the overnight guests, which--as kids get bigger--we all know is a factor. And even that was a response to a question, not offered up as "SEE, I should host."[/quote]

The point of the hypothetical above is to take out the family context  of the situation. And I picked St. Patrick's day as sort of a silly holiday name to use for the sake of the hypothetical.

Dont get caught up in comparing it to OP's situation, just think how a group of neighbors might react to this situation. 
[/quote]

Well, let's say that, for YEARS, other people have expressed interest in hosting, and--for demonstrable logistical reasons, like travel and overnight stays and time off work and kids. And let's say that, despite all of these requests and reasons, the Greens have not been willing to part with being the hosts. What then?

Then, when the Greens receive a private call and a direct request from the Smiths to step down for one lousy year and let someone else take a turn, the only reasonable option is for them to be gracious about it.[/quote]

I hadn't seen it mentioned before that the OP had been asking for many years to have Thanksgiving at her house. New details keep being added. When OP and husband asked for many years and his mother still wanted to have a Thanksgiving dinner at her house, that made it clear that it was still important to her and that she can still handle the work.

The OP does seem to resent her husband's mother. And for whatever reason, the husband doesn't seem mind taking an action that might hurt his mother. You all should have just stayed home for Thanksgiving.  You're right that 2 1/2- 3 hours is too long to travel for a dinner. You could have said that it is too long of a trip, but you didn't have to preemptively invite the people you knew usually went to your husband's mother's home for the meal. That is the part that was hurtful to your husband's mother.

It likely won't be all that many years before it is too much work for the mom to do the dinner- that would have been the kinder time to offer to take over. At that point, you could be the generous daughter in law offering to have the family over instead this situation where it looks as though you are trying to take control by inviting people many months ahead of time. 
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