Reply to Stopping caring saved my marriage

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Stopping caring saved my marriage"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here's a question: after you start to do this, do you ever feel like you are roommates who share space and occasionally have sex? When do you connect?[/quote]

I've been thinking about this and I don't know that it would work for me. I need to feel like my spouse is 100% in this with me. I need him to feel like he cares about what I care about - or at least make a show of interest and involvement. So I do tell him if he's been rude to me or hurt my feelings or if I need him to make a change. It's interesting to me to hear that other women don't do that. I just assumed everyone had these kinds conversations with their spouses.[/quote]

Why do you assume that this approach includes letting DH be rude to you?  It just means that you don't live and die by his actions.  If my DH has been unkind, I let him know.  But I don't expect him to hang on my every word, validate every feeling, make me feel totally connected and loved at all times.  He doesn't have to care about the things I care about and vice versa.  That sounds like being co-dependent to me.

It's not about emotional disconnection.  It's about not expecting the other person to fill you up.  It's about taking a step back and not reacting to everything all the time.  [/quote]

The lack of SNs make threads like this hard I guess. In the middle, there was a lot of talk about just doing the chores you care about yourself and letting him slide on household help in order to prevent nagging. Of if he doesn't want to eat the dinner you made, rather than seeing it as rude, let it roll off your back and offer him cereal. Idk. Seems kind of self abnegating to me.[/quote]

My take on a lot of the "just doing chores and letting him slide" part of the discussion was that it was mainly coming from the critics, not the supporters of this detachment idea.

You know, the dinner example is a good one to dissect.  If my self-worth is wrapped up in my husband's opinion about dinner, or if I'm in the habit of interpreting that everything is all about me, then I'll take it personally when he doesn't like it.  Taking a step back will help you realize that (1) your DH has likes and dislikes that have nothing to do with your cooking ability (2) he's allowed to express his preferences and feelings in a kind way as he's an individual and not a drone.  So, first, I cook what I want to cook if I'm making the effort.  I take my family's preferences into account because I care about them, and I would like to enjoy dinner with them.  But we all don't get everything we like all the time.  If I'm making the effort to cook, then I get the final vote on what I make.  If someone doesn't like what I made, they are welcome to express that kindly, i.e.: "no thank you" and make something else for themselves.  So, I don't take it personally if my DH doesn't like dinner, and he's welcome to make himself some cereal (not me offering to serve him cereal).

Notice - there doesn't have to be rudeness or unkindness.  There's no lack of love here.  I'm just not hinging my personal well-being to his like or dislike of dinner.  His like or dislike really isn't about me.  So I'm not going to take it on.  He's not rejecting me if he rejects dinner.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics