Reply to S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You don't owe your parents elder care IN EXCHANGE for them doing your childcare.  You owe it to them because they gave birth to you, wiped your bum when you soiled yourself, got up in the middle of the night for you when you cried, taught you to read and write, held your hand when you crossed the road, helped you take your first step and cared for your every single need at the expense of their own need when you were a child and unable to do anything for yourself.  Your debt to them started accumulating the day you were born and grew with every diaper change.

For all that, I owe it to my parents to take care of them when THEY are no longer able to do things for themselves. [/quote]

I agree with this vis-a-vis the exchange of services.

[b]That said, in the United States in the 21st century and certainly in the DC area, for most people taking care of their parents' needs would entail sacrificing their children's needs. [/b] It is virtually impossible for most middle-class people to care for their parents, care for their children, put away money for their own retirement (so as not to put their children in the same situation in the future), and save for college, all while keeping a roof over everyone's heads and food on the table and working.  Pretty much impossible.

We do not live in a society that is set up to enable us to handle so many responsibilities at the same time.

For this reason I am very grateful to my parents for having planned and saved for their retirement.  I care for them as feasible, but am not responsible for them to the nth degree.[/quote]

Exactly. People are reacting to this post as if OP's family has unlimited resources that they would prefer to withhold from MIL and FIL out of spite or for personal indulgences. 
MIL may not OWE childcare, but I can see why OP would feel like "WTF" when MIL is insensitive to the huge cost of childcare coupled with looking after aging parents in a very expensive location. 
How would MIL feel if she was getting paid for the childcare instead of a third party provider? Then, she and her husband could build up more of a nest egg. I'm surprised I haven't seen that suggested yet. [/quote]

Unbeknownst to me, DH actually offered to pay MIL for childcare. He saw it as a way to foster closeness between her and our daughter, and also ensure our daughter is in the care of someone loving while helping his parents out a bit.  [b]MIL responded that if he had that kind of money then he should just give it to her as a loving son.[/b] Convo ended there because DH knows I would have his balls if he just wrote a check to her.

DH is really disappointed in his mother because both his grandmothers helped take care of him even though MIL was a SAHM. I've long pegged MIL as a lazy mooch, so I am not disappointed or surprised. I have kept my opinion to myself and just let time show DH who his mother is. His father is not a great guy either. I know he knows MIL is initiating conversations with us and I am sure he is encouraging her to put out feelers. All this time, they have been saying that FIL has no plans to retire ever, but now that his friends are retiring, DH says that FIL wants to retire too.

Our budget for living expenses, child care, retirement savings and college savings is going to tie up every last penny we have. I have told DH that I will never sacrifice our daughter's college fund or enjoy a lower quality of life so that his parents can be bailed out. He is really worried about his parents but agrees our family comes first. It really pisses me off that DH has to worry about this.[/quote]

Does she have a brain? Because that would mean you wouldn't have the money available to pay someone else for childcare.

Again, sorry OP. [/quote]

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