Reply to When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

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Reply to "When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wait, wait, so trying to be a good mom is selfish?  Huh?  The baby's needs are made up, and only the husband's needs are real?   Wow, sounds like you are basically the baby of the family.  I actually didn't have endless excuses, which is why the period where it was infrequent in fact ended.  I don't even understand why you frame this in terms of "excuses".  Do you think the wife simply wants to have no sex drive?  Do you think she's happier being overweight and having no one touch her?  That doesn't even sound logical.  If she used to like sex, something has happened to make her not want it anymore.  In your case, I'd guess it's that you resent her being more invested in the kids than you and you express that.  That would be pretty unappealing.  And I'm sure you're not helpful either, which means she probably has no time or energy to take care of herself in a way that would let her feel attractive.  [/quote]
A good mom does not mean 24x7 child care. A good mom sets reasonable boundaries. A good mom finds some time every week to work on the marriage, for intimacy.
I never said baby's needs are made up, but the only way baby needs are 24x7 is if the mom is being selfish.
I am plenty helpful with all reasonable child care. A mom who keeps going (beyond the point of reasonableness) and makes herself exhausted is just being selfish.

[quote=Anonymous]
If you want to be an adult about it, you have to view it as "wife is having trouble with this, and we need to fix it", not "wife is selfishly focusing just on the children and not me".  Because, news flash, the wife's focus on the kids is not selfish.  It's part of an upheaval in her life the likes of which she has never experienced before.  Her world changed completely.   She is devoted to *your children*.  That's the person you're vilifying.   Rather than being a caring partner who's trying to help her.   My DH chose differently, and he and I are very happy now, and NO it's not because he gave up on sex or found it elsewhere.   He helped me through it.  Even after 2-3 years of very infrequent (like 1-2 times/month) sex.  Because he knew I'd stick with him and not just judge him if the situation were reversed.  Now we know -- one of us ends up depressed, loses a job, gets cancer, whatever, we will be generous partners with each other.  When one of us isn't doing our part, the other one doesn't just get mad and blame them.  WE pick up the slack and work on how to fix it.
Sounds like marriage to you is something else entirely.[/quote]

If your H is ok with sex 1-2 per month, great for you. That does not work for me. Babies do not require 24x7 care, there is plenty of time to both spoil the baby and to have weekly (or more) sex. The best way to help one of these exhausted mothers with no time for sex is to snap them out of their selfish fog. For the 100th time I say: babies do not need 24x7 attention. Moms need to set reasonable boundaries. This leaves plenty of time for mom to relax, to go on dates, and yes for sex.

[/quote]

You're being deliberately obtuse.  He WASN'T Okay with sex 1-2 times/month.  Neither was I.  But that's where we were, temporarily.   He and I fixed it together.  Definitely not by him deciding I was just selfish because I was too focused on the baby.   But you keep doing it that way.  Seems to be working well for you.  My DH is getting it almost every night, but I guess you're smarter than he is.  Stick to your guns.  She's selfish.
And btw, don't pretend you know what my kids needed as babies. You have no motherfucking clue.   I'm not revealing the exact issues, but suffice it to say the first one had real medical reasons why she just couldn't sleep any stretch of time for the first year, until we got it worked out.  And no, I wasn't some cosleeping granola mom.  We tried everything legal.   And the second one had a life-threatening cardiac defect that sent me into an anxiety/depression spiral and also meant we couldn't sleep-train him.  All resolved now, thank God.   At no time did my DH decide that my staying up all night with either child meant I was "selfish".  He spent a lot of nights with them himself.  
The one thing you've accomplished tonight, though, is I am going to go pull him away from his work and make him very happy right now.[/quote]

Congrats!  Someone is getting laid!  And it's NOT OP!  It's the kind, "nice guy" who was understanding and loving to her husband.  And OP is still alone, still trolling this thread after several pages of being bashed...[/quote]

I chafe a bit at the "nice guy" characterization.  He is that, but more than that I think the difference between him and OP is strength and intelligence.  Smart enough to figure out what needed to be done, and strong enough to manage it.  And, to be honest, it took both of those things on my part too.[/quote]

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