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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Married man here. Not one of the lucky ones.  I’m the higher libido spouse who maybe has intimacy twice a month     (maybe). So watching it every so often is can be relief. Nothing crazy and it doesn’t interfere. Likely not aware though.

[b]Also, my wife isn’t comfortable with much more than missionary. So interest on spicing it up with a toy, new position, etc. I should add that she has never had an O. And doesn’t care.[/b]

Of course it’s not realistic. However, by watching it, I get to see what that looks like while getting a release. [/quote]

Ooof. Not much you can do with a starfish. And the fact that she doesn’t care is the real problem. Sex simply is not, and will never be, important to her. The future is bleak, and you will have choices to make.[/quote]

How do I distinguish between normal factors middle aged couples with kids that can possibly be addressed versus a fundamental mismatch that cannot be overcome. In others words, should I concede and consider other options? Do I even bother keeping trying? For example, by sexy lingerie?

Is there. a way subtly, or not so subtly, of testing her?

1.
Low libido 
pre menopause 
Busy with kids and work
Agrees being intimate is important
Old fashioned

Vs.

2.
Biological challenges with feeling pleasure (claims parts don’t work that way)
Asexual tendencies
Secretly want to try  some kink or alternative relationship, but too ashamed to share 
Other factors [/quote]
Well does she like lingerie? Or are you buying that for yourself?[/quote]

Both. Hoping to make her feel attractive and set the mood. I do my best to set the mood. Not looking to simply take care of myself and run off.

Of course, I like seeing her in it as wells

Bottom line, I’m seeking to find something that will spark or create and environment for a more fulling intimate relationship for her. [/quote]
Both? You don't mention what SHE wants at all. [i]You hope[/i] it makes her feel attractive and set the mood. Does it make her feel attractive? Or does it make you attracted to her? These are different things. You are still not considering what she wants here. [/quote]

You're ignoring the very real likelihood that her wants do not and will not involve sex at all. There are plenty of women who, through no fault or lack of trying by their husbands, simply don't want to bother with sex. Hormones alone can be the explanation. There is nothing inherently wrong with this - it's perfectly normal for a woman to be wired this way; but it is a problem for the marriage - because mismatched libidos can really damage a relationship. [/quote]
I'm simply trying to point out that he isn't considering her at all in this. Not every woman likes lingerie. Men buying lingerie for those women are not doing to get the women in the mood. They aren't doing it to make the woman feel sexier. They are doing it for their own eye candy. Which is totally fine, but if he's asking how to get his wife to have sex with him and the suggestion is focusing on her and he still can't do that? Kind of a problem. [/quote]

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