Reply to My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I read a couple pages and you seem a little closed off to the ide that therapy could work for you so I don't know if this will help but in case it does I will answer honestly.

First, the therapist in question matters, not just their own personal skill set but how the mesh with you. So you might have to try a few to see what works for you.

Secondly, I think its plausible that sure you don't need to see a therapist but I do think that if you have a spouse encouraging this repeatedly that you may be acting in ways that make her feel nervous/uncomfortable and she is unable to communicate that accurately but cares about you so is suggesting therapy. I would consider my spouse encouraging me to go to therapy as their communicating both that they are worried about me and that my behavior in some respect is making our life worse/more stressful and that is something serious to consider.

Ok so my experience. I had a childhood that was not like, ideal. A lot of neglect, alcoholism, divorce, personality disordered mother, parentification etc. Culminating in kind of an implosion of many family members in my 20s where one of my siblings actually died. So its like, fine whatever but I have some legitimate trauma, just to set that as an established fact. I was also the oldest daughter in this household and for many reasons had to 'hold it together' when no one else around me was doing that. I am the one who just put on my big girl pants and dealt with shi*t. From like, age 10, earlier?

And so I spent much of my 20s/30s believing I was just fine. But having kids and in particular having children reach milestone ages where I was given outsized responsibility really like, awakened some crap in my brain. And I was, IMO, doing just kind compartmentalizing that per usual until there was a large event (a fight with one of my parents) that really just sent me SPIRALING. I was still IMO a fine parent during this period but I was really struggling emotionally and really on edge that was in fact being reflected in my interactions with my husband and children. I think fortunately for me this was kind of an acute crisis that got me to reach out to therapists because I was like wow something is WRONG. Without this event, I think my standard emotional strength and willpower would have had me believing I was exactly like you describe yourself.

But so anyway I went to therapy and I have gotten an INCREDIBLE amount of value out of it. There is nothing I can do about my 'bad' parent. But I was, without even fully realizing, accepting a tremendous level of like, background noise stress in my life. Whenever the phone would ring and I'd see her name I would feel that pang of anxiety. Whenever I would interact with family I would just be uncomfortable, itchy, on edge. And critically I was not even fully aware of this, it was just life. But that background stress kind of made me a little bit of a pressure cooker. And talking with a therapist, in a safe space, about all the difficult feelings I have about my parents and family and upbringing allowed me to examine my own reactions and behavior with a little distance. It allowed me to hear from someone else 'yeah that was not a normal way to live' which was very validating. It has not resulted in me having some huge breakthrough conversations with my relatives but what it has done is given me a much healthier relationship with myself. And it has helped me to see when I am acting in a way that passes some of my own issues down to my kids and try to adjust.

Even today, I will bring something up and be like 'this is no big deal its fine I'm over it' and my therapist will challenge me to, at minimum, see that even if I'm ok with it, it wasn't ok or good and its ok that I acknowledge that. That I give myself a pat on the back for overcoming it. Its ok to say, 'I'm going to make sure I don't do that to my own kids.' And I have been shocked at how impactful this has been.

But critically, I didn't talk about much serious for months with my therapist. Not intentionally, I am just a very guarded person and again, none of my trauma is a big deal, I'm over it, I survived, I accept them etc (this was my script for my whole life!). But over the weeks, as I began to trust her (my therapist), she started to ask harder questions, and I started to feel more comfortable talking. And then I was very surprised at what came out of my sessions. And it did not feel in the moments like it worked. It felt in the moment many times like I was just bringing up painful memories for no reason. Like I was stirring up my trauma like dust at Chernobyl, doing nothing but poisoning myself again. But in reality, it was more like breaking a bone that healed wrong to reset it the right way. And three years later I feel like a new person and I'm really not entirely sure how it happened.

I have better tools to interact with my family, I'm more aware of the effect they have on me and how to manage it, I'm much more empathic and forgiving to the kid me, who did the best they could, and I'm a better parent. But it only worked because I went in at rock bottom fully believing I needed to put my whole heart into doing SOMETHING. And if I hadn't had that fight with my dad I'm not sure I'd have ever gotten there. But I'm glad I did it because I'm going to be a better mom for my whole life and for the whole of my kids' lives because of it. [/quote]

I'm very glad it worked for you.

I just feel like I've already reached an internal peace with my father and don't have any desire to resurrect it or return to anything that I've put behind me. But it does sound like you genuinely were able to achieve something and that's great.[/quote]

OP not at all snarkily said but maybe what you really need is some couple's therapy to get to the bottom of why this is such an area of tension between you and your wife. [/quote]

That actually makes more sense than therapy to talk about my parent.

To add context, since people keep inventing there own, an example of the most recent time my wife brought this up was father's day—I don't call my dad anymore on Father's day, but because I don't think he's a terrible person, I still participate in the system my sister and I developed wherein we take turns organizing a bouquet for my mother on Mother's day and a basket of treats/cookies for my father on father's day. My wife and I were talking about the holiday and I asked her if she remembered to call her dad (she had) and she asked if I had coordinated with my sister about the treat basket, and I said I had, and she shook her head and said, "I just really think it would do some good if you talked to someone about him." To which, as usual, I replied, "But what would I say—I think it's at the best place for who he is and I'm not going to spend any more time exposing you and the kids to that." Her, "I know, but he wasn't a good parent!" Me: "Yeah."

Like I said, it seems much more about the idea that the only way to handle it is to talk it to death. [/quote]

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