Reply to Ellen Page announced new identity as Elliott Page

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Excellent and informative post, thank you. May I ask another question? It's going to sound stupid, but this is one of the things I am having trouble wrapping my mind around. The question involves the present trans identity versus the person we knew in the past as a non-trans person. If an adult declares himself/herself/theirself as transgender, whether that is the traditional or non-traditional presentation, does that have any uniform meaning in terms of their life up until that point? In reading about "deadnaming" and thinking about the traditional understanding of a Caitlyn Jenner model of a trans person, prior to transitioning, the trans person was living a life in pain, constrained by a gender assignment that did not match their true selves. But is that always true? Using Elliot as an example, was Elliot always Elliot? Did Elliot star in Juno because that is who Ellen really was?

It is easy for any normal, decent person to treat a trans person respectfully in the present. My struggle is processing a transgender identity in connection with past associations with the person before transition. I hope this isn't offensive, because it is not meant to be. [/quote]

You quoted me so I want to reply so you don't feel ignored, but I'm a cis hetero woman so I don't think I'm the right one to answer your question.  From my understanding on the outside though, I'd say that yes Elliot starred in Juno because essentially who Elliot is now is who he always was, just with a different name/outward identity. Remember there is the added nuance that the actor in Juno was, well, acting. I don't [i]think [/i] the concept of a name being dead means the person wants their past life to be dead too? That said,  I'd imagine there are some people who do want a concrete separation though?  Particularly if their former identity was associated with trauma? I think like most things in this discussion, there isn't a black and white answer.

I think the reconciliation of a past vs. present person is a really interesting conversation, not a stupid question at all.  I think about myself; let's say my older sister transitioned to a male, would I feel like I lost my childhood sister or would I think of him the same way I'd think of my sister if she was blonde for 30 years and then went brunette? I consider myself pretty liberal and accepting, but it's easier to accept a theoretical situation than to deal with the reality when it happens in your life.  I'm sure there are lots of books written by siblings in that exact situation. Or parents.

I hope someone with direct experience can chime in to answer your question. [/quote]

Thank you so much for responding. Yes, you nailed my question in terms of how one would process the reality. While typing my question, the attorney in me was was thinking that my actual question was what, if any retroactive, effect does a transition have?

I have friends who have dealt with some of these issues with their children, and it is challenging. I love my children fiercely and always will. If my daughter were to transition, I would love him/them no less than I do today. That is a given. Still, there would be a part of me that would have to reconcile my current relationship with him/them post-transition with the reality that I gave birth to and raised a person I believed to be a daughter by virtue of the gender assigned at birth.  We could be mother and son, but it would take some work on my part to process what came before, given that our relationship was established and cultivated through a gender lens, with us as mother and daughter sharing our common experiences as women. We all need to examine our biases, misunderstandings, and selfish interests or concerns in order to truly accept and support our loved ones. That's why I ask questions. 
[/quote]

Life is complicated. My partner, and other parent to our children, is trans. I love them dearly. If our children came out as trans, I would mourn for some time (and maybe forever) the history we had, the idea of who I thought they were, the picture of their future in my mind, the utter perfection of them at birth. But, I would realize that what I was mourning was the distance between my perception of reality and their experience of it. And that, ultimately, it is their life to live and their being within which to exist. But, yeah, I think this is an honest and fairly common way to feel. I would not share this with them until far after they would reach comfortable footing and psychological safety. And then only if ever they asked. And I would do it very thoughtfully and carefully because I have seen the vulnerability that always exists for queer and trans people vis a vis family. I've experienced it. Sometimes, it is ok to feel something and, you know, keep it to yourself or a trusted friend/shrink. LOL. [/quote]

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