Reply to Unexpected parts of becoming a SAHM to small kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a WOHM but unexpectedly SAH due to DC medical issue the past month. I was always very curious what it would be like. My job is very flexible and I had basically a year off with each kid to work from home, but I also had help so it wasn’t the full experience.

What surprised me most — 1) the tedium. Constant food preparation became mind numbing, and on top of that the cycle of laundry, tidying, etc. Each task was fine in itself but the feeling of always having another repetitive task to do was not restful. 2) missed my work. I loved the time I had with DC but I also felt like I wasn’t engaging other parts of myself. There was bliss and awe of all the little moments with DC, but if I’m honest, also restlessness and a frustrating lack of stimulation at times. 3) fragmentation of mental space. Especially missed the chance to have thoughts that last longer than a minute or two. My work involves lots of abstract thinking, teaching, research, engaging with art etc. and this was in some ways the polar opposite because I could never get a train of thought longer than 15 seconds.  4) Less patience for both children, because DC1 would come home at the end of a long day and I’d be emotionally spent. Days in general felt much longer. More of a “second shift” feeling once kids went to sleep. 5) identity shift, not in a good way. I felt such relief at the thought that I had another life besides this one, another world. My mind became a lot more anxious at home, somehow, as if it was focused on minutiae only and everything else fell away. I think it takes a certain kind of person to do such intense caretaking and support, day in and day out, and not lose him or herself.

It was a valuable experience, though, and probably cured my itch to do it full time. The grass is always greener. [/quote]

OP here- this is incredibly helpful. I actually wish I could test drive being a SAH mom like this— part of me thinks I will share this experience, but the other side wonders if it would be more like those who posted earlier saying that after a 10 yr high pressure career, SAH was easy[/quote]

Can you take a leave of absence?  
I am one that found SAH easier than working.  But I will say that I have no expectations of being a great housekeeper, and I didn’t really change how much I cook and clean from when I was working.  I just do the same stuff I was doing before at home in the mornings, except now when I drop the older kids off at school, I go to the playground and the library, over to visit friends, and dance class.  Then we go home for nap at 1.  I paint and play with the kids who are too old to nap, but too young for school, then we go get older kids at school and do the evening stuff.  
 [/quote]

OP, I think doing a "test drive" is a great idea, but if that's not practical, then I'd suggest taking some time to reflect on the your personality and the things that make you happy.  I remember thinking one time while putting Tupperware away in the pantry that I would have to find meaning in doing menial tasks like this if I stayed at home and I could never do that.  (That's how I felt, I'm not saying everyone feels that way).  And I am totally Type A and love a super neat house and well-organized pantry.  I just have one of those brains that doesn't like to turn off, is always trying to figure out problems, loves complicated issues, etc., and for me, staying home was not going to be a good choice.  I was fortunate enough to be able to take an extended maternity leave from my job to figure out if I wanted to stay home or not and came to the realization that I did not.  As much as I love my kids and did find intense joy during those moments when we'd snuggle quietly or lay down together, I couldn't handle the fact that I wasn't being intellectually challenged, and that was a deal breaker for me.  So if you can't take some time off from work to figure out if that's the right choice for you, you should at least spend time writing down the things that make you happy during the day, acknowledging your brain and how it works, and see if being away from your job is the right call for you.  There are so many different personalities and different jobs that there is no right answer for everyone here - but knowing yourself and who you are and how you operate and what you like and what you want ought to help you figure out if staying home is right for you.  And just to be clear, I am not saying that SAHMs are brainless or stupid or anything, so no one get all riled up.[/quote]

Child psychiatrist turned SAHM here.  Your Tupperware example is silly.  You don’t have to find meaning in tasks like that.  This is like saying that as a  psychiatrist, I need to find meaning in printing out after visit summaries and handing them to patients.  Or that as a teacher you need to find meaning in stacking all of the tissue boxes in your classroom.  
There are important, interesting, and meaningful parts to parenthood and watching children grow into adulthood.  So, yes, you need to find meaning in disciplining your child in a way that makes sense to them, and mimicking the joy on their faces when they accomplish a new task, or having a discussion about right and wrong, or teaching them how to love family and friends and nature, or watching them play.  But no, you don’t need to find meaning in putting Tupperware away.  [/quote]

You must have been an awesome psychiatrist if you told your patients their thoughts were silly.  Also, you do realize that working parents (and I'm expanding this because people seem to forget that the majority of dads out there work) discipline their children, share their joys, have discussions about right and wrong, etc., correct?  Of course you do.  So since those are the parts of parenting that all parents do, what is it that stay at home parents do more than working parents?  Generally it's the menial tasks like cleaning the house, making meals, putting Tupperware away.  Your defensiveness for the path you've chosen to take really overtook your ability to actually understand the post to which you responded.  You might want to talk to a therapist about that.[/quote]

I don’t make any more meals or clean any more houses as a SAHM than I did as a WOHM.  Even when I worked, my family ate breakfast and dinner at home, and I packed a lunch for my kids every day.  I still do exactly that same thing now.  What I do MORE of is disciplining my children, taking them to the playground, teaching them manners, going on nature walks, etc.  
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