Reply to When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

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Reply to "When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wrong.  Completely wrong.  Unless at least 5 times a week is "not into sex" (for 40 year olds with kids and 2 serious jobs).  Just because this guy wants to give up on his family, don't pretend that it's impossible to get it back.  It's possible.  Not for everyone, and if he's really trying and she's just not willing to try, then that's very sad.  [/quote]Regardless of age, work, or kids, there is always time for weekly sex. But if this isn't important, then there is always some excuse.

[quote=Anonymous]

No, there isn't always time for weekly sex.  I'm guessing you've never spent a week with your kid in the hospital.   You're totally ignorant.

But he's not talking about trying therapy, or anything like that.  He's calling her fat and planning to leave her.   That's losery.[/quote]It sounds to me like she really is fat. Sorry if that offends you. Many men (especially those of us who married thin women) are turned off by fat.  She is fat and has no sex drive and this bothers him. Are you seriously surprised at that? Also he has already tried many things and has concluded that she is not reciprocating in his efforts to become close again.

[quote=Anonymous]  It doesn't offend me that she's fat.   It offends me that that's his excuse for bailing on his marriage vows.  Pretty sure there isnt a "unless you have kids and get fat" exclusion in there.

"Put on hold" for 2-3 years with young kids?  Not as a policy, no.  But if the 2 kids are born within 2 years, and one of them never sleeps, and one of them has a serious health issue and mom has PPD and also has to go back to work, then, yep, it gets pretty darned infrequent.  No one said it's selfish of a man to desire sex.  It's selfish of him to put that need above all else.  Would you leave the wife because she was too ill to have sex?   That's selfish.  So, she's sleepless and depressed.  That's illness.  Does that mean she shouldn't try to fix it?   Of course not, but you are supposed to be her help-mate.  Help her.  But your easy way around that is blame the mom for not being a good enough mother and selfish?  Really?  That's selfish?  You've clearly never been the primary parent of an infant.  That doesn't even pass the laugh test.  You are so far off in lala land you can't even see the reality.[/quote]
You were the one who said 2-3 years. Whatever issues might be going on in the house, both H and W need to [u]simply deal with it[/u], in such a way that the married couple has some regular time together for intimacy. You seem to have endless excuses, and frankly this excuse making is exactly the problem. If the marriage is important, there is always time for some weekly sex. If the wife's selfish need to be "the perfect mom" is more important than just 30 minutes with her H, well there is always an excuse.
[/quote]

Wait, wait, so trying to be a good mom is selfish?  Huh?  The baby's needs are made up, and only the husband's needs are real?   Wow, sounds like you are basically the baby of the family.  I actually didn't have endless excuses, which is why the period where it was infrequent in fact ended.  I don't even understand why you frame this in terms of "excuses".  Do you think the wife simply wants to have no sex drive?  Do you think she's happier being overweight and having no one touch her?  That doesn't even sound logical.  If she used to like sex, something has happened to make her not want it anymore.  In your case, I'd guess it's that you resent her being more invested in the kids than you and you express that.  That would be pretty unappealing.  And I'm sure you're not helpful either, which means she probably has no time or energy to take care of herself in a way that would let her feel attractive.  
If you want to be an adult about it, you have to view it as "wife is having trouble with this, and we need to fix it", not "wife is selfishly focusing just on the children and not me".  Because, news flash, the wife's focus on the kids is not selfish.  It's part of an upheaval in her life the likes of which she has never experienced before.  Her world changed completely.   She is devoted to *your children*.  That's the person you're vilifying.   Rather than being a caring partner who's trying to help her.   My DH chose differently, and he and I are very happy now, and NO it's not because he gave up on sex or found it elsewhere.   He helped me through it.  Even after 2-3 years of very infrequent (like 1-2 times/month) sex.  Because he knew I'd stick with him and not just judge him if the situation were reversed.  Now we know -- one of us ends up depressed, loses a job, gets cancer, whatever, we will be generous partners with each other.  When one of us isn't doing our part, the other one doesn't just get mad and blame them.  WE pick up the slack and work on how to fix it.
Sounds like marriage to you is something else entirely.[/quote]

Honestly, this is the kind of asshole that gives men a bad name.  Bitching and whining like this is the most important issue in the world.  And arguing from multiple identies with anyone who suggests he take responsibility for his predicament.  It's pathetic. [/quote]

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