Reply to Would you move in without a ring?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. We have discussed timelines and wants throughout our entire relationship. We became pretty serious at 6 months and he brought up marriage. He said I love you for the first time and told me he was in love with me. At 1 year, he brought up marriage again. He told me flat out that he wants to marry me and build a life together and needed to know I was on the same page. We discussed moving in together this month. We both own our own condos and I will be moving in to his. My plan is to rent it out mine until I feel it’s right to sell. I do think a ring is in the near future. When discussing engagement, [b]he said that it will happen when it happens and that moving in together and seeing how we cohabit is the next best step[/b]. [/quote]

No. Moving in together to "see how we cohabit" is not the next best step.

[b]Just be fully aware that you are still auditioning for the role as his wife, OP.[/b] If you're Ok with that, go ahead. But I wouldn't do it.

Question: have you met his parents and family yet?[/quote]
This isn't really true. It's also for her to suss out their compatibility. [/quote]

I would agree with you if it didn’t seem that the power dynamic of engagement is within the boyfriend‘s favor. OP herself said she’s been told “it will happen when it happens“, implying she has no control over the timeline or the eventuality of the engagement itself. Living together in the scenario sounds like him evaluating her and her being evaluated.

I’m all for some social traditions, but I very much dislike this idea that an engagement and planning a life together is some surprise a man bestows on a woman. As women we all know how deliberate we need to be in choosing a life partner because it impacts our happiness, Our children, our financial future, etc. Treating this as a happy accident is not good footing to start on. I recognize that it takes some of the “Romance” out of it, but let’s be fair, those concepts are dated from a time when women were chattel. [/quote]
I agree with you! Women should 100% be involved in the engagement process. It should be a discussion, not a surprise. It shouldn't be looked at as a prize imo. We are both adults, we are both partners, we should both be involved. To me, moving in and living together was important for ME to decide if I wanted to marry this person. He had never lived on his own, so I feel like I was auditioning him  :lol: . It was important for me to see if we were compatible and could handle it. If OP looks it at a similar way, it doesnt need to have an uneven power dynamic - especially if she keeps her condo, she holds all the cards as far as them living together. [/quote]

If OP felt the way you did, she wouldn’t have posted, and she certain wouldn’t be describing it as a predictament.  Your viewpoints have nothing to do with her situation.[/quote]
OP can change her viewpoint is what I'm saying. You are framing it in a really negative way. I'm framing it in a positive way. There are multiple ways to look at the same situation. [/quote]

Why should she change her viewpoint to make something palatable that she isn’t excited about?  To make the man happy and convince herself it was a good idea for her too?  This is exactly what women who end up stuck do.  Convince themselves it’s a good idea when in their heart it wasn’t what they wanted.  (It sounds like a totally different situation for you, and that you generally DID want to live together to try things out first.)[/quote]
No one is saying she has to, it's just an option. If she doesnt want to move in she doesnt have to. But if shes open to it, it doesnt have to be a negative thing. It doesnt have to be about making a man happy. Clearly she is considering it, so I don't see why you think my advice has no value. [/quote]

Because she would be changing her mind (in a “predicament”, her words) to align with a man’s simply because that’s what he wants.  It’s not the same thing as what your viewpoint was, which was organic and probably pre dated any offer of moving in that came to you.[/quote]
You are projecting quite a bit here. OP doesnt say any of this. [/quote]

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