Reply to Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents

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Reply to "Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There are a lot of people where this hits a nerve. OP's kids didn't ask "why are you fat/ugly?" A child asked what is your job? OP saw her bro uncomfortable and shut it down after less than 2 minutes. It should have ended there. They are projecting and scapegoating at this point. If OP's brother is traumatized by such innocuous questions and the typical behavior of a 7 year old, then he needs therapy to learn coping skills. If he thinks a grown up sibling should be cleaning his dirty undies for him, he needs help.

If the parents are getting him help, great! If they don't want to tell OP, that is fine. OP does not owe him an apology nor do her kids. This is a great situation for him to take to his therapist. Figure out why he is so traumatized he needs to upset his parents and drag his sister and her kid into it. He needs to problem solve how he could have handled it differently. This is not Ops problem. If they keep making it her problem and don't disclose any disability, I would distance. [/quote]

Just want to add how this is personal to me. I have a very bright sibling with fancy degrees who still have mom catering to her in many ways and paying for things. I stay out of it, but I have boundaries. I have 2 kids, one with special needs and a husband with health issues and a job. The problem is mom is aging and wants me to be sister's new mommy. I refused, my mother raged at me, my sister raged. Now I barely have a relationship, but my mom is finally forcing my sister to learn more skills of independence and get psychiatric help for her anger, mood swings, mild paranoia and constant feeling sorry for herself. It's working. Last time I saw my sister, she was medicated and able to manage her anger. She was no longer blaming everyone else for her issues. She is slowly taking on more skills of independence and not expecting everyone to cater. It's amazing what can happen when you insist someone get proper services and you stop enabling. The experts can help you understand what are reasonable expectations and what aren't, but I can tell you right it is reasonable to expect any able bodied person to do laundry.[/quote]

OP here. Thank you for sharing about your sister. DH and I talked late into the night about this exact issue of what the expectations are for my brother when my parents eventually die. Neither of us want to take him on. As far as we know my brother has no mental illness. [b]We agreed my mom REALLY loved actively being a mom and I wonder if taking care of my brother lets her enjoy that feeling.[/b] I wish my brother was doing more of taking care of them and taking care of things FOR them, rather than letting them cater to him. Maybe I need to have this conversation with my parents, so they can prepare for the future in whatever way works for them. [/quote]

OP, I'm yet another person with the exact same situation. I've had many conversations with my mom about this over the last decade, and especially after my dad passed away. It's VERY hard for her to accept the reality of this, but being very clear about what I will and won't do (I won't take him into my house, I won't pay for him to live anywhere, I will help him apply for disability and seek psychological help, etc) is necessary. She is taking small steps (making sure he has a place to live, has a source of money). It did hurt our relationship but it's very, very important for us, when our parents are in denial a mess can fall into our laps when they pass away.

The bolded is true in my family and it's really hard for me to witness; my brother lost so much (the ability to be independent and take responsibility for himself, and the pride in that). Therapy has helped![/quote]

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