Reply to DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years. 
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly. 
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this. 
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.
[/quote]

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler.  Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you.  Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time. [/quote]

I agree with all of this.

[b]It seems kind of odd that you and your husband are both so invested in framing this as resentment about the existence of your child when it really seems that a big part of it is resentment over your new job.  You took a job that requires a lot more work with no additional income.  I mean, basically, you picked up a stressful and time consuming hobby.

Why are you two both saying that it’s the kid and not the job?[/b]  Is there a lot of guilt over saying that it’s the job?  [/quote][/quote]

OP. No, we just didn't connect the dots at first. But it's really both. I took this job AND my DH is unhappy being the primary parent. I was hoping he could step up for a few years and cover for me, which is a big ask and turns out he can't. I don't think he realized he couldn't either, until he tried it. He was always an involved and loving dad when we had 1 and I was primary parent.

We know something has got to give. I can get another job easily and learn to like it.[b] But it's complicated because I have a team and hundreds of vulnerable students relying on me. If I leave, the entire organization will shut down, team will lose jobs in a difficult market (they are not in the US), and a lot of people will suffer. I [/b]don't mean they'll die or anything, but it would be a betrayal. I don't want to give more details because I feel like I've provided too much personal info already and anyone who knows me will recognize me from this post.

I had no idea it would be so much work and grow so fast. When I started with it, it was just a part-time, freelance project. It's taken off and grown into this monster of a thing that I can't handle on my own, but all the responsibility has been shifted onto me, initial founders exited, and there is no other "adult in the room" who can take it on.[/quote]

This is crazy talk.  No wonder you have problems at home.  Your job is NOt that important. You clearly think it is, but it is not.  You need a reality check. [/quote]

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