Reply to Pendente Lite Guideline vs Actual Spousal Support (in VA) -- How did it compare in your case? SAHM

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Reply to "Pendente Lite Guideline vs Actual Spousal Support (in VA) -- How did it compare in your case? SAHM"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out. [/quote]

I am an early 40s SAHM who gave up teaching so yeah, I get what you're saying, but being a team means your success didn't happen in a vacuum. I paid off my husband's debts when we first got married. I supported him as he bounced around jobs paying $25k a year 15-20 years ago. I managed to save $500/month of my salary so even though I only worked 8 years, so I have 6 figures in my 401k. I convinced him not to open a bookshop (the odds of that succeeding were obviously slim) and encouraged him to get into a career with high potential and finally just when our first kid was born after 5 years of marriage, he started making more money than I did. Today he makes nearly 7 figures. Would he be here without me? No one can say, but long term vision and stick-to-it-ness have never been his strong suits (which is OK, because his zest for life and spontaneity add to my life too!).

Now that we're pretty wealthy it's hard to imagine thinking I could survive on a teacher's salary, but at the time my life was very comfortable. And if we got divorced I would try to relish the opportunity to live a simpler life. But I also object to the idea that I'm some freeloader who just luckily attached herself to some high earner. We are a team and it's by complementing each other that we are better together than apart. This is why it's really hard to quantify these things which of course is exactly what divorce courts need to do.[/quote]

I would call you manipulative not a freeloader. Hopefully you chose well for your husband and he is happy in his job….[/quote]

^^ The misogyny in this thread is unbelievable.  Much of it coming from women, too.  PP, you explained very well that it is a team - that's what marriage is all about and why all family efforts are worthy.  [/quote]

I'm the PP and I think I was right that as a partner I should have a say in how we spend our money (which at the time nearly all came from me), but I do think I could have been more emotionally supportive of his dream. Today we are part-owners of several shops (not books but other things that DH loves) which we were able to do because we increased our cash reserves, and when he has suggested helping someone open a shop I have been as supportive as I can be. But at the time it would have been all of our savings and probably would have ruined us.

Yeah, he's happy in his career, mostly because of the pay-off TBH. He's not super suited for a 9 to 5 in general and he scratches his itch for newness through hobbies or side business ventures. Obviously I am very proud of what he's been able to accomplish by leaning in to his strengths and troubleshooting his weaknesses.[/quote]

You speak of him like you are grading him on a report card.[/quote]

Good point, I should have stayed on topic . . . grading WOMEN on a report card.  :lol:  :roll: [/quote]

I’ll let my stay at home husband know he is responsible for my career (even though I had it before we met and am in a government job and have chosen not to persue management)!

He contributes a LOT to our household and way of life, but he wouldn’t say he is responsible for my career.

Just another perspective.  If you see manipulating as a “woman’s” trait, I would disagree. [/quote]

If you wanted to quit your job and open a bookshop today, would your husband have any say in that decision? If so, would you call his concern that this might be a poor use of joint funds "manipulation"? It's very interesting that you frame someone acting as a partner who gets as a say as taking over responsibility for their partner. But hey, maybe this stance keeps your husband from making waves . . .[/quote]

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