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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Her DH is free to divorce her and find himself a normal woman[/quote]

He likely won't and a normal woman would not have him with his own unaddressed dysfunction. He has been avoidant for years, even while his own child was neglected, now he wants his brother and SIL to step in and fix it for him. He is focused on his wife, the person LEAST likely to change rather than taking responsibility for HIMSELF and his CHILD. He is acting like it is a communication or information issue, not mental illness manifested as compulsive shopping, hoarding, ARFD, etc and now as physical health issues too. Rather than address his own physical and mental health he is triangulating in others and acting like his body is his wife's responsibility.

Why has no one in the family developed a relationship with the girl who is living in a home where she is parentified? I get that works for the actual parents but WTH is wrong with the rest of you that you act like this is all normal and ok? Hoarding, social isolation, no properly prepared food, depression, OCD and eating disorders which the child is encouraged to participate in, this is all pretty sick stuff. WHY don't any of the adults in the extended family focus on the child?

Your SIL is likely going to live just like this or decompensate until she dies one day. Her daughter deserves a chance to know what normal and healthy is.

OP, maybe this will be enlightening to you:

"As a child, Liz C. remembers having "heart palpitations" whenever the doorbell rang. Usually, she'd meet friends outside rather than let them see the stacks of newspapers, boxes, used paper towels and other trash cluttering her family's home in Short Hills, N.J.

"My mother would tell me to lie. She'd say, 'Tell your friends we're painting -- that's why all these boxes are here.' How sick was that?" says Liz, who asked that her full name not be used.

By age 11, Liz was working to buy her own food and clothing. "You expect your parents to have food for you, but the kitchen table and counters were just cluttered with garbage," she says. Yet her mother rebuffed any offers of help, and her father, an alcoholic, didn't want to upset her. "It was a mutual enabling situation," says Liz, who is 50 years old and works in marketing at a New Jersey university.

Her mother now lives in a retirement community and, at 80, is still hoarding. "She'll never change," Liz says. "The psychologists say you have to forgive to move on, but it's hard, especially when you have to visit and you still think, 'Jeez -- look at this mess!' "

Compulsive hoarding -- accumulating so much stuff that one's living space is rendered unusable -- is coming out of the closet these days, thanks to books, movies and TV shows like A&E's "Hoarders." (I first wrote about it in my Oct. 20 column.) Mental-health experts view it as a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. It's also seen in people with dementia, depression, attention-deficit disorder and brain injury, and after major life losses. As many as one in 50 Americans may fit the criteria.

But many family members say the pain that hoarding inflicts on them is still largely unacknowledged. Some who grew up in homes like Liz's see it as a form of child abuse. Besides having their basic needs neglected, children of hoarders often grow up with little appreciation for cleanliness, or they seek out their own private space to keep clear of the clutter. Some become hyperneat adults, fearful of falling into the same pattern. "To this day, I will not clip coupons -- my mother used to save entire newspapers for them -- and if I haven't worn something in a year or so, I throw it out," says Liz..."  Health & Wellness --- HEALTH JOURNAL: When Hoarders Make Life Miserable for Others
Beck, Melinda.

Imagine how the kid feels when there is no help or love from aunts and uncles? The child is not even being FED properly, the parents are too busy being ill and being avoidant to parent. Your BIL and SIL are both profoundly sick. Do not emulate his enmeshed dynamic with SIL. She is NOT the change agent.

So sad. [/quote]

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