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[quote=Anonymous]Your BIL may not change either, spouses of the mentally ill, esp with things like hoarding, often get dragged down too. That is the reality.

Your niece needs immediate help both re: ARFD and having a mentally ill mom and a codependent and enmeshed dad and being left to more or less parent herself and cope with her own budding mental illness. There are ARFD treatment programs and therapists, she needs one yesterday. You can make some calls and help support BIL re: this piece.

Of course, addressing the mentally ill behavior of the child might not be acceptable in their family dynamic where SIL's illness controls all 3. In that case perhaps there are resources you can provide to your niece, you can also have her come visit your family regularly to give her genuine support.

You and DH might also benefit from NAMI and Al Anon, learning from people in similar situations, with ill loved ones who may not change, will be of more use than reading about hoarding or eating disorders. You need to learn to cope with what is and to focus on what YOU and DH can do to help your niece. Your BIL has tried to cope by working and not being home much but the house of cards is falling. Summer is a great time to invite young relatives to visit.

Best to all of you. Mental illness in family members and in teens is very difficult for all who love them. It is also not that likely to change in a middle aged woman. BIL may eventually divorce when his daughter graduates HS but so often the spouse of a hoarder is just stuck and dragged down too. Hopefully he will seize this moment where he is very motivated about his own physical health conditions to save himself. [/quote]

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