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[quote=Anonymous][quote]I don't think physical force is necessary, but kids are not adults. We should absolutely care but no one ever provides real examples of how to actually discipline. Not for little ones doing silly things but real things like consistently lying in children 8-14. I struggle with this because I want to show love and care but I also need to convey why it's important not to lie and manipulate and disrespect elders[/quote]

There are lots of approaches to discipline and teaching kids that don't involve hitting. Look up "authoritative parenting", which absolutely relies on consequences and setting firm boundaries for kids while also respecting their bodily autonomy and making it clear you love them. This is how I parent and I don't even find that hitting enters my parenting vocabulary because I don't think it would be effective. It would be so horrible for both my kids and I, and break the trust I have built with them, which would only make it harder for me to discipline and guide them. It's essential that they trust me and see me as a source of wisdom. Hitting them would make that harder.

Also, specific to the subject of lying: I strongly encourage you to read up on WHY kids lie. And also to understand that all kids lie, it's not something unique to your kids. This is a pretty good summary of it: https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/why-kids-lie-and-what-to-do-about-it

I think it's extra important to focus in on the idea that often kids in this age group (8-14) lie to avoid getting in trouble, or because they are afraid that admitting they did something bad is the same as admitting they are bad people. My observation of people is that many, many adults never outgrow these behaviors. I have met people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s who continue to lie about their behavior, or deny doing things, because they are afraid that if they admit they did it, it's like admitting they are bad people. People carry around a LOT of shame about stuff like this and it's to everyone's detriment.

So addressing lying at this age involves rewarding truth, which might mean choosing not to punish your kid if they come to you and admit to something -- you have to reward them for their honesty. That can be very hard for parents but if you are working on lying it's really important. My advice would be to do this with anything they do that doesn't hurt another person. So if they come to you and reveal that they didn't do an important homework assignment and now have a bad grade in a class, that's a good opportunity to thank them for telling the truth, praise their decision to own their behavior, and not offer a punishment. I also wouldn't try to rescue them from the bad grade, but you can tell them you are proud of them for coming to you and then talk about how they will avoid this kind of mistake in the future.

Another thing parents often have to work on is having calm reactions to misbehavior. This is NOT the same as no consequences or being permissive. It means learning to control your own emotions so when your kid does something really, really bad, you can respond calmly and in a measured way. Parents who scream and shout and get very worked up in these situations will induce more lying in their kids because humans will instinctively try to avoid that kind of elevated emotional behavior. It's scary and stressful. Again, I see this even in adults. If the response to the truth is often very big and negative, people learn to lie just to keep the calm. So you need to prove to your kid that you can stay calm even when them mess up really bad. Otherwise they'll never want to tell you.

Anyway, the point is that there are lots of ways to address lying (which is a typical, near-universal childhood behavior and not something unique to your kid) and none of them involve hitting. In fact, hitting is likely to increase lying because it's scary and kids will lie to avoid getting hit. It's simply unproductive to what you are trying to achieve.

Best of luck. Parenting is hard.[/quote]

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