Reply to Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi.  I was completely blindsided and all my friends have been shocked.  Married happily for 25 years before it started with his coworker.  I did not realize how strong the pull is to emulate a father who had cheated and acted like cheating was not only ok but a positive good (follow happiness, etc).  Cheating is definitely a function of mental health problems for the cheater, immaturity, etc.  We are working to reconcile now but it takes a tremendous amount of therapy for cheater and marriage.  Find experienced emotionally focused therapist (Gottman method).  Cheater has to have no contact, full transparency and work very very hard on themself.  They need to feel for themself deep remorse and shame.  We are not a year out yet so I dont know yet if it will work but investment is worth it for me (and not for money reasons).  Obviously the other woman is a complete piece of shit — in our case someone who clearly had daddy issues and inappropriate conduct including in a work place.  She is also married.  Best wishes PP whose story sounds like my own.  [/quote]

Thanks.  I’m sorry this happened to you as well.

Hell- it probably could have been the same woman doing it again with my husband  :lol:

Are you living in separate homes now? Do your kids know something is going on?

Did the other woman’s husband ever find out?[/quote]

[b]OP — I would be happy to talk with you directly but don’t know how to send a personal message.[/b]  DH and I have stayed in the same house.  What you are experiencing is equivalent to post traumatic stress.  It is horrible, devastating, one of the very worst things that can happen to you.  I am seven months out and struggling so much every single day.  It takes years to reconcile and what is required from the cheater is enormous because they have to be the one to change themselves and help heal you at the same time and they were not equipped before this which is why they cheated.  In our case, the OW’s husband knew about it — they are young and have some version of polyamory or something like that.  So he knew and was ok with it.  All fo them knew I did not know and was being deceived.  Also, you need to be sure to take care of yourself physically — may need to assume sex was unprotected — not shocking when you think about the mindset.  I immediately got tested.  I know that might be hard right now but call your doctor.  PM me if you know how and if you want.  So sorry.   Also think about who to tell if you might want to reconcile.  Some people are so opposed.  What you want is emotionally attuned support for you.  I had one girlfriend who was the absolute best for months and then several others also.  [/quote]

PP, that is so sweet and lively of you. 
My advice is that you should create a totally new gmail account just for this purpose and then post it for the OP.

After she has responded that she's seen it, you can just ask Jeff to delete that particular post with the email address (or not, if you feel other women who've been cheated on might benefit from also speaking to you... it's your call).

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