Reply to Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage?

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Reply to "Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
PP here.  I think that you are missing the point.  It is about the relationship, not the actual act.  So in terms of is listening to a spouse the same as having sex with them, no because the acts and the energy required is different.  What I am trying to say, and what I think a lot of spouses who are not having sex because they don't feel up to it for whatever reason don't really understand, is that sex is not just getting off.  It is bonding, it is a connection, it is a validation of love for one another.

So in that regard I would say it is the same as the man not listening to his wife.  Because in the scenario I listed about the hard day, the husband is saying I know this is important to you, as your husband I know that you need me to and value me listening and being supportive for you, but I am choosing not to.  The reason sexless marriages hurt is not that I am not physically getting off, but I am sharing with you something that is important to me and you are saying that you don't value me enough to do it.  The same as if the husband does not choose to provide emotional support.  Or pick a grander event for the comparison if needed.  For example picking up an in law at the hospital 3 hours away at 4:00 in the morning after someone passed away becuase your wife or anyone else in the family simply could not manage doing it.  I sure as hell did not want to do that but I love my wife and respect her so I did.  Does that make her "entitled" to expect that I will stand up and take care of her when she needs?[/quote]

I think you are missing the point.  The actual act you are asking your wife to perform is so intimate and personal and feels so violative when done against one's will and interest that it in no way compares to "listening to your spouse" or "driving three hours at 4 am to pick up a relative after someone passed away".

Also, FWIW, there are many ways to bond, have a connection or validate love for one another. Sex is not the only way.

Do you really have no idea why your wife has only had sex with you 3 times in the last 2 years?  If not, then you really have a problem that is way bigger than not getting sex.

FWIW, whatever the reason there's not been any sex, you might decide that that is not the way you want to live your life.  Just like your wife can decide that she doesn't want to have sex, you can decide that you do want to have sex with someone and either ask for an open marriage or a divorce.  [/quote]

PP Here.  I absolutely agree that if a woman does not want to have sex, there is no situation where it should happen.  Having sex with my wife if she clearly did not want to do it would not be satisfying at all.  If you are talking of a scenario where a woman says I have no desire to have sex and the husband says I don't care we are going to anyway and makes her do it when she doesn't want to then I agree with your stance.  That said, the question you posed was "Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage?" not why do they feel "entitled" to have sex with their wives against their will in a marriage.  Those are two extremely different statements.

Men feel "entitled" to sex in a marriage becuase that is a huge part of a marriage, and for right or wrong, a huge way in which the majority of men and many women connect to their marriage.  The same way that a woman might connect from emotional support or cuddling or how the man interacts with the children etc.    That was my point in making those comparisons, sex is our emotional support, our cuddling, our how you take care of the children.  That is why it is such a crappy situation to be in as a spouse in a sexless marriage.  The point is again that it is not the actual lack of sex, it is the act of a spouse saying I know that something is hurting you, I am the only person who can alleviate that discomfort, and I choose not to.  That is the parallel to not listening to a hard day.

Of course there are other ways to bond, and that is great, but choosing not to engage with your spouse the way THEY feel most connected is the point of the issue.  Assuming you are in a relationship or have been in the past: Choose however you feel most connected to your partner, and then they gradually stop doing it, you tell them that hurts and they say I know and don't change at all.  Report back your feelings.

Do I know why we haven't had sex? Yes, because we are busy, she is tired, she puts her energy into work, into the kids etc.  These are all valid points and I do not hold them against her, but she CHOOSES not to care about me and my needs at all.  I am not trying to have sex all the time, in crazy positions or anything, so to say that you cannot muster the energy/desire to have sex every once in a while because you know it is important to how I feel about our relationship is really not valid.  If I were important to her she would make some effort to prioritize it in one way or the other, she can prioritize other things.   And I sure as hell make effort to prioritize things for her.

The main takeaway from your question "Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage?" is that it is a part of your marriage until one day it isn't, and there is nothing you can do about it.  I think your last statement about leaving really solidifies where this situation really stands.  You yourself just said either deal with it or leave......That is where spouses end up-just deal with an unsatisfying life of leave.  That is incredibly selfish in a relationship. Period.  No matter what the issue is -sex or something else.   I think that many spouses denying sex think this way, I only care about my needs, one of which is not sex, so I am going to focus on them and hedge my bets that you won't leave me.

Typically the type of spouse that ends up in this situation is loyal, dedicated and very focused on their family etc.  Spouses know this so they can be selfish because they have a high confidence level that the spouse won't leave them because they people with a strong set of values and honor their commitments.  It is rarely if ever an assehole husband that ends up in a sexless marriage, because the spouse knows that he is.....well an assehole..... so he would dip out the door right away if the sex stopped.  I have lots of faults so I am not saying I am perfect, or even a catch, but she knows how much I value our life, and more than anything else my children's happiness, so she is counting on me "just dealing with it".  I would never do anything that could impact my children negatively for my own happiness, that is not the kind of person I am and she knows it.  Am I willing to leave my life, impact my children's childhood and how they see relationships and the world because I am not getting laid-absolutely not.  Is it ok that my wife-supposedly my partner in life-is asking me to make that choice?  Absolutely not.

I love my wife, she is a great person and mother and we get along well and I don't think she is behaving this way out of purposeful malice.  But it really hurts and is depressing as hell.  I have just decided that I won't hurt other people to end my hurt, because I am not selfish and that is not what you do to people you love.
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