Reply to When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

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Reply to "When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Woah...OP really steuck a nerve. 13 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs.[/quote]

Actually, no.  We have a great sex life, now.  But for 2-3 years when the kids were little?  Nope.  Good when it happened, but not nearly frequent enough -- and it WAS me saying no.  But thank GOD my DH is nothing like these losers spouting their childish, selfish, pathetic misogynistic crap.  I could never respect someone like that.  He saw it as our problem, and worked to try to help me get back to where we needed to be.  Just like I worked with him when he had a hard time in another area of life.  How do you not take care of the mother of your children?  What kind of man behaves like that?  She's going through something, so you bail.  Nice vows.  That's not a man.  THat's not even an adult.
[/quote]

But you were trying.  OP's wife doesn't even sound like she is trying. It also sounds like it's been more than 24 months for OP and his wife.

There is a big difference between something that is a long dry spell that has an end and the death of intimacy in a marriage. [/quote]

Yes, there's a difference, but I'm sure there were months when it seemed like I wasn't trying either.  And I wasn't.  Because I just didn't have it in me.  Postpartum depression, hormonal changes due to aging, who knows really.  But OP and his even worse fan club decided to just say she's fat and he plans to leave her in a few years.  That's definitely not trying.  The point of marriage isn't "I'll try only if you try".  No.  THat's a recipe for failure.  Because unless you're really super lucky, there will be times when one of you is not able.  Loss of a job, a parent, some real issue with kids, whatever it is.  There will be a time when one of you is really not doing a great job of being a partner.  That doesn't mean the other one should take his/her toys and go home.  THat's when you try harder.  But I keep seeing men with this "what's in it for me" attitude.  Luckily I'm not married to them.[/quote]

There comes a point where the spouse who is making the effort loses faith that the other spouse will ever resume their efforts. That's where I am and probably a big reason why it's such a trigger for me to hear -- even though she doesn't want sex, doesn't give any indication that she's thinking about making an effort to help improve our sex life, and gives every indication that she's happy with the status quo -- that my giving her even more of what she wants will somehow do the trick. [/quote]

I think if you honestly love your wife and want to save your family, you have to make solving this problem your biggest priority.  Tackle it like you would a difficult problem in your career.  What you're doing hasn't been working.  Has it been improving at all, but just too slowly?  If so, then maybe you have to be patient.  IF it's not improving, then you have to do something else.  Therapy could help.  It could help her hear how important this is to you.  It could possibly help her identify an issue she could address (depression, just excess weight and lack of exercise can bring on mild depression if you're middle-aged).  Maybe some self-loathing.  Maybe she's truly exhausted.   Maybe she's anemic.  Whatever.  Or maybe she'll say "I just don't want to be with you anymore".  And then you'll know.  But what I'm hearing from you is a lot of harsh judgment toward her, and if that's all you've got, then yeah, you should admit that you're just not trying.  No woman wants to have sex with a man who thinks she's fat and doesn't love her.  UNless she's seriously messed up.  [/quote]

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