Reply to If you don't want sex, then shouldn't YOU be the one to leave and divorce?

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Reply to "If you don't want sex, then shouldn't YOU be the one to leave and divorce?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I know a lot of women who lost libido in their 40s, after kids.

The idea that these women had an obligation to go "fix" their libidos medically (fix how? there is no equivalent for the boner pill for women) is laughable to me. These women are so busy. They are so tired. They have so much on their plate -- kids, work, elder care, the myriad of minor health issues that often come with peri menopause. They don't have much sex drive anymore. The idea that they should *prioritize* their sex drive over all the other stuff they have to take care of so that their spouse, who pretty much never pulls his weight with the kids or the house or other responsibilities, is just laughable to me.

If you want your wife to have a high libido well into middle age, here's my advice: have a lot of money, outsource all the drudgery of housework and childcare, make sure she gets tons of downtime for herself, go on vacation a lot, don't pressure her about having more kids. Make life as carefree and enjoyable as possible. Then, if her libido still disappears, I feel you'd be justified in suggesting she should see a doctor and try to address that.

If you have the standard 40-something-with-kids-and-a-mortgage life, and your wife either works FT or is a SAHM will no additional help, you cannot ask this of her. She has too much to do. You will need to take care of your own boners.[/quote]

Stereotypical and wrong. I'm the wife in that life and I'm the one who is sex deprived.[/quote]

So? Your marriage is not every marriage. The comment you're replying to clearly prefaced it with "I know a lot of women who lost libido in their 40s, after kids." If that's not you, then of course the things in the post won't make sense for your marriage.

However it is more common for women to lose libido at midlife before men do. Partly due to biology and partly because women tend to store less of their identity in their sexuality, especially after having kids. Doesn't mean it never happens the other way, but it's definitely more rare. Sometimes stereotypes exist for a reason.[/quote]

You might be on to something with your comment about identity. I am highy sexual and yeah that's a big part of my identity. My happiest years were when I was dating in my 20s.  I love my kids but it's just different.  Certainly explains why there are so many unhappily married men whose wives need a full court press to even feel any desire. Pity for both spouses.[/quote]

Even if sex is not a big part of your identity,  it's hard to ignore the lack of it when you are horny 24/7.  Perhaps this is why some people with high libido find it harder to get over that resentment.

If the house is dirty, you can escape to a hotel and take a break for a few days. But you cannot cut your nether regions and throw away for a couple of days :-). So anytime you feel the itch, it reminds you of the spouse who should be scratching the spot 😆

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If you are over the age of 45 and you are "horny 24/7" (and it's not a temporary thing maybe due to a hormone imbalance) then sex is a HUGE part of your identity.

I'm 46, DH is 49, and I think about sex maybe once a week. If it coincides with my DH thinking about sex, we have sex. Some weeks we don't have sex and we both seem fine with that. We initiate sex about equally -- he initiates more on weekdays, I initiate more on weekends, and that has to do with slightly different arousal patterns. We have sex maybe twice a month.

If one of us was actually horny 24/7, we'd both be in hell. It just wouldn't work. If he was that horny, I'd have to have a real think about it because I don't want to get divorced (I love him, we have a great life together, our kids are wonderful and we'd both prefer to raise them in a 2-parent household) and I'm uncomfortable with the idea of him having sex with someone else (as much because of the time and energy it would result in him channeling elsewhere as the idea of it being a violation of marital vows -- we are both busy and neither of us needs a new project, much less an affair). I don't know what I'd do. I'm glad I"m not in that situation.

I do think past a certain age, if you are that horny, you can't view your spouse's inability to satisfy you as their problem. It's just not reasonable. If you are young and you both went into the marriage with the expectation of very frequent sex, that's different. But late 40s and up, with kids? I think being that horny makes you an outlier. Maybe I'm just delusional about how other people work or maybe everyone I know is just surpassing their sex drive all the time, but I don't see it. People are tired, busy, stressed about kids and politics. But super, super horny? I don't see it.[/quote]

Twice a month is just not very frequent. I'm a woman over 50 and I certainly think about sex every day. Maybe not horny 24/7 but I would be very sad to be only 46 and have such a laissez faire attitude about sex with my spouse. I guess I am an outlier. My preferred frequency is 3X a week.[/quote]

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