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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. This is unrelated, but I also need to learn how to deal with another scenario that makes me really uncomfortable.

Sometimes there is something I can sense my husband is very angry about, and has decided to talk to me about it in a “calm” manner. As one example, it might be about me not going to bed when he goes to bed.

But the way he approaches me with it kind of freaks me out. He asks to talk to me about a problem. He usually does this at work he most inopprtune time. Maybe when I’m stressed about an event I’m preparing for that evening and about to walk out the door.

He talks to me with very wide unblinking eyes. Which is unsettling to me. I laugh it off nervously or I might say “what’s wrong?”

And then he won’t let it go. And I can’t even respond appropriately because then I’m also upset at his terrible timing but don’t want to be insensitive to something that is obviously so upsetting to him and he takes seriously.

And then it’s some sort of discussion where I basically feel like I’m being controlled and he’s feeling disrespected.

But the whole thing is very uncomfortable for me. And I would like to learn a way to deal with that as well.[/quote]

My husband does something similar to this and to the initial story in your OP. My husband also grew up in a chaotic home.  He told me once during a heart to heart that it made him feel good when everyone around him was screaming and he was able to remain calm, and he did purposefully, if somewhat unconsciously, create these situations.

What works for us in the situation you describe here is for me to respond to the actual situation, not just to his words.  Your husband is acting angry.  You know he’s angry.  He knows he’s angry.  It’s just the two of you in the room.  There is no reason for you to pretend to buy into this whole “calm guy who just wants to have a conversation” charade.  You know you aren’t going to have a productive conversation.

When he does this, say, “You seem mad.  Why are you angrily asking me about my bedtime habits while I’m walking out the door?”

Then he can either explode (which he won’t do…his whole thing is that he’s the calm one), or he can back off.

If you want, when he says that he isn’t actually angry, you can let him save face a little and say that he doesn’t understand “tone” or how he’s “coming across to other people.”  But don’t fall into a thing where you are trying to “prove” that he was acting angry.   Because that’s BS and it untethers both of you from reality.  [/quote]

That’s interesting. It makes sense.  Thank you for validating too, because it’s hard to describe. I wish there was a word for this behavior so I could look up how to handle it.

When it happens to you, is it really upsetting? I get so upset. Because it feels so purposeful in throwing me off, like sabotage, catching me at the worst time, and then the weird game of “I’m just calmly discussing your issue” when it’s very clear to me he’s upset.

I guess it’s him unconsciously wanting me to feel as bad as he does. It feels uncomfortable just thinking about it. He gets really weird is all I can say. And he is unaware of any of it which makes it that much harder to address. And I end up sounding a little crazy just attempting to describe it, because on the surface, he didn’t do anything wrong. [/quote]

Yes.  It feels scary and upsetting.  That’s how I know that he’s doing this and it isn’t a normal conversation.  Because yes, the words are normal.

I think this article does a pretty good job of describing the behavior.  The author is racist and sexist (by 2010 standards…not as bad as 2025 racism), but if you can get past that, there are some pearls of truth in what he has to say.

https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/09/when_was_the_last_time_you_got.html

Also, you know, you don’t have to stay in this marriage and do all of this.  You aren’t his therapist or his social worker.  You don’t have to live your life on edge.   [/quote]

OMFG. OP doesn't "live her life on edge". OP goes out and does as she pleases (without communicating) and then flies off the handle at her spouse for making what seems to have been an honest mistake.

If anything, OP's spouse is the one who has to walk on eggshells and live his life on edge. All y'all supporting the troll are part of the problem.[/quote]

Pp you are responding to.  Maybe “walking on eggshells” was too much.  I was writing out a couple specific examples of when DH came to me acting “calm” but with an underlying threatening tone and how I handled it to diffuse the situation.  
Looking at it, it looked kind of crazy to keep diffusing situations and calling him out all of the time.  I’m not sure that I want to advise anyone else to do this. So, I deleted it.

I just wanted to write that OP doesn’t have to stay in this.  There are plenty of people who have marriages that aren’t full of drama and are pretty similar to their other relationships.  
[/quote]

I mean, sure, OP can leave. Anyone can leave. Some people should. But I don't know that OP leaving solves the problem OP's having. OP seems complicit in her own unhappiness in a few ways that are obvious on this thread (and probably several more that she's not admitting). OP will bring the drama with her if/when she leaves, because she's probably the one starting most of it, and is definitely part of it.

Leaving may solve the problem you're having with a specific person by removing them from your vicinity. If the problem is how you overreact, project, accuse, etc., you'll find that same problem in other relationships, because it's your problem, and you bring it with you. [/quote]

I’m the pp.  The problem was not that I overreacted, but that I underreacted. I went by his script that we were just having a calm conversation when I knew we weren’t.  What worked for us wasn’t for me to hide my emotions or stop accusing, but for me to trust my emotions and call DH out when he was pretending to be “calm.”

I mean, eff that.  You don’t need to act like you are having a reasonable conversation when he’s clearly being aggressive and keeping you from something you need to do or trying to rehash an old argument.

[/quote]

OP here.  This thread has gotten way longer than I intended, and thank you all for indulging me... but I've been thinking about it, and I think I figured out what's going for this particular issue.

DH's default reaction is to lash out in anger or gaslight.  His dad was a rager, and his mom was a weeper and a really good gaslighter.  We worked on the rage, and he no longer unleashes on me, because he's learned it's hurtful to me.

I'm very familiar with rage/anger, but I'm unfamiliar with gaslighting and so that part I am just figuring out now after so many years of being perplexed by it.

I think DH works really hard to suppress/check his anger with me, and maybe that's why he comes off that way. I'm also an empath.  I sense what people are feeling before they say anything by the look on their face.

Also, my dad was always extremely controlled, serious, and calm.  He was calm as he called us over, to have a "talk" with us, right before he started beating us.  So that calm, cool, lead up, was pretty frightening to me as a child.

It's probably why I find DH's approach so unsettling and uncomfortable.  I am on edge.  I'm realizing now that's the root of the issue.  [/quote]

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