Reply to Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

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Reply to "Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it.  Wants me 100% committed to making things work.  In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life.  I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself.  And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

[quote=Anonymous]I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement. [/quote][/quote]

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

[/quote][/quote]
So he gets to dictate all terms [b]of your new marriage? The old marriage died when he betrayed you. [/b]If you stay you will be building a new one (which may end up to be a better one) and that takes time. You can’t just magically begin to trust him again just b/c he says he’s sorry. It’s not fair to expect you to process the betrayal, basically be forced into staying b/c of the kids AND trust him again all in a matter of weeks or months. What do YOU need to be able to move forward? Do you need him to feel the same pain of betrayal so you feel understood? Most men divorce when their wives cheat - they can’t handle that pain. Too humiliating.

IMHO if you really feel like you have to stay for the kids, then do what YOU need to do to move forward. You don’t owe him honesty until he’s earned your trust back.[/quote]

When someone cheats the monogamous contract is broken. Cheater and victim spouse then need to negotiate new sexual terms for the marriage. The victim spouse may or may not be willing to agree to continued monogamy.

When someone cheats, they also break whatever trust existed and any obligation to be honest.  That also needs to be negotiated.

Actions have consequences - cheaters have to realize that in having broken monogamy, trust and honesty, their victim spouse may choose no longer to extend those courtesies to the cheater spouse.

Honesty and trust is earned in a relationship. The cheater spouse has no right to demand that the victim spouse extend those immediately.

A cheater spouse who does that is really demanding an unequal relationship - you must give me what I didn't give you.   Doing this is a form of DARVO - our relationship is breaking up because YOU, victim spouse, won't be committed to it. it is reversing victim and offender.

Cheating breaks the marital contract, and it is normal that the victim spouse needs a period of time to process what happened, watch the perpetrator spouses behavior, acceptance of responsibility and process of making amends. That period of time can be months or years, during which time there may or may not be a commitment to monogamy.

Many may criticize a victim spouse who openly or secretly refuses continued monogamy but, honestly, what do you expect?  The cheater, having lowered the bar in the marriage, can't really expect the victim spouse to hew to a standard the cheater him/herself was unable or unwilling to meet.

For me, my cheater DH's expectation that I would continue to have sex with him and be monogamous with him felt very controlling and relied on getting me to continue to have sex with him as a function of my economic situation and possible custody outcomes - not exactly fully consensual. [/quote]

TL;DR:  he did it first!

That’s not how first grade worked and it’s not how marriage works either.[/quote]

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