Reply to Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

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Reply to "Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it.  Wants me 100% committed to making things work.  In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life.  I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself.  And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

[quote=Anonymous]I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement. [/quote][/quote]

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

[/quote][/quote]
So he gets to dictate all terms of your new marriage? The old marriage died when he betrayed you. If you stay you will be building a new one (which may end up to be a better one) and that takes time. You can’t just magically begin to trust him again just b/c he says he’s sorry. It’s not fair to expect you to process the betrayal, basically be forced into staying b/c of the kids AND trust him again all in a matter of weeks or months. What do YOU need to be able to move forward? Do you need him to feel the same pain of betrayal so you feel understood? Most men divorce when their wives cheat - they can’t handle that pain. Too humiliating.

IMHO if you really feel like you have to stay for the kids, then do what YOU need to do to move forward. You don’t owe him honesty until he’s earned your trust back.[/quote]

I really doubt that OP had an open, honest conversation with her DH about their “new marriage.”  She is a cheater, just like him, except she thinks it’s ok because he did it first.  That’s the level of emotional maturity she and many of the posters here seem to have.[/quote]

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