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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]One birth mother's view of open adoption with pertinent insights:

"[b]Because I was young, I believed that where I was in life at that point would last forever. And that place was not ideal for a baby. When time and experience taught me that circumstances change and life is always moving forward, it was too late to go back. The papers were already signed. She was someone else’s now. Forever.[/b]

We did end up staying in each other’s lives. [b]We visited at least once a year. We talked on the phone and sent letters, photos, texts, and the like. As the years progressed, I found it more and more difficult to watch someone else raise my child, not to mention watch my child call someone else “mom.” I had no voice in the choices they made for her. I was forced to sit back and observe, while my child grew without me in a home that was entirely foreign to my own.[/b]

[b]It has been the ultimate form of psychological and emotional torture.[/b] The worst hit me when my daughter considered suicide and ended up in a hospital, and I wasn’t allowed to contact her because I wasn't a direct relative. Or was it years earlier when she wanted to run away and considered living with me, but her parents wouldn’t grant me legal guardianship to take her to the doctors in case of illness or emergency, so it didn’t happen.

[b]Sitting back and watching your child hurt without the ability to do anything but scream in silence is indescribable.[/b] I brought my daughter into this world and made a self-sacrificing decision to do what I thought was best for her, and [b]because of ink laid out on two square inches of paper when she was only days old, I had no right to care for her ever again.[/b]

And then, this past year, [b]when she entered college and I expressed my joy that I could somehow be more free to be a mother to her, she became angry and insulted that I would suggest such a thing.[/b] She clarified that I am not her mother—that I gave up that right a long time ago and I don’t ever get to have it back.

Children have the ultimate power to destroy their parents, and in my mind I have never not been her mother. But she has destroyed me with the reality of where her heart lies.

In her mind, perhaps she is better off without her birthparent. In my mind, I am not her birthmother. I am her mother. She is not my “birth daughter.” She is my daughter. And to think that your own child is better off without you is excruciating. It’s only echoing the fears and insecurities I had in my own head when I made the decision of adoption: “maybe she’s better off without me.”

But nothing in my heart believes it. And it’s painful to be a part of the silenced side of adoption: a birthparent. There is a lot of focus on adopted kids and adoptive parents. But for every one of those, there is a mother out there who gave birth to that child and might be hurting so deeply on the inside for the remainder of her life."

https://www.theatlantic.com/notes/2015/10/the-open-wounds-of-an-open-adoption/410143/[/quote]

Powerful words. [/quote]

This isn't an open adoption and the issue is this "mother" demanded coming back into her biological child's life and demanded to be mom again.  Child didn't agree.  She was inappropriate.  This mom made a choice.  The adoptive parents and child are not to blame.

The issue isn't being better off without her biological mom.  The issue is this mom wanting to be a mom vs. a different kind of relationship and not respecting the child is bonded to their parents through adoption.[/quote]

What you are not recognizing here is the sick, dehumanizing, cruel system of adoption now.  This woman IS her daughter’s mother.  She just IS.  No papers make that untrue.  The fact that she signed legal papers relinquishing her infant does not, in reality, erase her existence as the child’s mother.  I could have died the day after my son was born, but I would still forever be his mother, even if another woman raised him and adopted him later.

It is very likely that this birth mother surrendered her baby because she was told (brainwashed) into believing that was best for her baby.  That was unselfish.  That was the guest and best thing she could do as a mother.  She believed that because the entire adoption industry and our current very pro-adoption society told her so.  They tell birth mothers that this is the best way to be a mother.  The child in that quote seems to have, at many times, sought out her first mother for love and safety, but her ADOPTIVE parents wouldn’t allow it.  She needed her first mother then, in crisis, and her parents denied her that.  It’s no surprise she later lashed out against the first mother who she then felt abandoned her twice.  That’s traumatic.  But it’s not the birth mother’s fault.  To want to love your daughter is right and natural.

No one warns mothers that relinquishment through adoption can be a lifetime of INCREASING suffering and pain.  My mom was told she would forget and move on.  She never forgot.  Every single day of her life without her first two babies was suffering.  She literally didn’t have a day of true peace in 50 years.    [/quote]

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