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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - sorry everyone is piling on you. Sounds like a tough situation. SIL is probably insecure and a control freak - toxic combination. Not sure there is much you can do. Your brother has to stand up for himself. How does she even know if he joins the family group chat? Does she go through his phone? That is very creepy. You can turn off notifications on WhatsApp so the messages don’t pop up on the screen [/quote]
Thanks. She knows and he would not do it without her knowing. He also deletes all our texts because he is afraid she might read them...[/quote]

Op, you also said your family removed her from group chats per your brother’s request.  Well maybe doing that made her paranoid.  You keep relying on your brother’s version of what’s happening but little actual conversations with her.  I can’t imagine a conversation would be productive because of your desperate laundry list to illustrate how awful she is, an example that she likes to take pictures of her dogs but not walk them.  So what.  That’s not a crime.

A big problem is that you do have cognitive distortions when you refer to your sil.  For example, you  assumed that she scheduled the baptism 2 weeks after you left the country so she could purposely exclude you and your family.  You don’t know.  Churches often don’t have baptisms on demand.  They are usually packed events with multiple families.  If not then why didn’t you ask your brother to coordinate the baptism with your visit?

You still haven’t explained  if your sil is so horrible, why your brother stayed with her for 5 years.  He could have left if he was so miserable.  He’s making excuses, you’re making excuses for him.

Stop trying to fix his life.  You sound as controlling as she does and maybe that’s why you guys clash.

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