Reply to Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm one of the pps you thanked for being kind. So sorry this thread has gone off the rails, but that happens on this board some times. Take it with a grain of salt.

Sounds like you've taken some really positive steps for yourself. Way to go! You can do this.

And, easy on the Advil. My neuro told me that if you take it for more than two days in a row, it can trigger withdrawal headache. Keep your Tylenol/Advil plan quite short.

Best of luck.[/quote]

Op is deluding herself that her husband is remorseful and scared about this.  Being supportive of her denial is not a kindness.  Being supportive of her going to therapy to gain strength and understanding of the situation is helpful.  Telling her to work on her marriage to psychopath is akin to blaming the victim here - not cool.

This is not Op's fault.  Her husband and his friends have quite literally been snubbing her for years.  There is a level of contempt and cruelty here that is NOT normal.  Her husband will continue to treat her like crap and undermine her sense of self worth in order to keep her under control.  [/quote]

+1 well said[/quote]

+2 it is a huge huge HUGE red flag that OP's husband told her he will resent her forever and never forgive her if she/this messes up these friendships for him - that says everything we need to know about where his priorities are, and they absolutely are not with his wife and with fixing this and making everything okay. He has not been a good husband (understatement of the year) and nothing in his behavior says he is going to change.

OP, pretty much all of us started dating casually / were just having fun and were still closer/more loyal to our friends when we met our spouses. Eventually (some quicker than others; doesn't matter at all) we got serious. In no way is this ANY sort of excuse. You guys have been married for almost 5 years now! How can you possibly think that's a valid reason for this to still be going on? TBH I still think the idea that he's been bringing around/talking about other women with these guys (and that the 2 friends in particular are taking a decency stand) is the most likely scenario - that just makes sense. But either way, even if he really does love you and for some (absurd.) reason he has felt the need to keep up this whole "she is stupid (wtF!)/ball and chain" act to save face in front of his friends, NOTHING in his actions since this came out tell me he is prepared to or determined to make this right. That is not okay. The thing is, yes some guys are douche-y and that can certainly multiply in groups, but talking real shit about someone's WIFE is pretty bold and universally considered uncool. All it would've taken at ANY point was for him to make even a half-hearted comment (i.e. "alright alright, that's enough") and they would have cut it out. They have been following his cues, and he obviously has been signaling that it's more that okay to trash you. Think about it, the only way a group of friends is going to feel okay talking shit about your SPOUSE is if you talk a lottt more shit about her than they do. He is not some helpless victim who got in over his head and couldn't stop it and is now "scared" bc its bigger than him.

I'm glad you are going to counseling, and agree this should not be shared with him. Good luck, OP.[/quote]

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