Reply to Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

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Reply to "Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?"

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm a stepmom (and a mother) and I believe that marriage comes first because it is the center of the family, it is the glue that keeps us all together, and it's even more important for my stepdaughter to see our marriage be strong and solid because her mother has now remarried and divorced again, so she has two divorces to mourn and recover from.

I also see that a huge part of our marriage being healthy is supporting each other to be the best parents we can be.  And that means choosing to spend time with our children, and my DH choosing to spend time alone with my stepdaughter, because it's important to us to be good parents.

I chose my DH in part because he is a great dad and because I could see he made HUGE sacrifices to spend lots of time with his daughter, even on weeks when he didn't have custody.  So when we got together, it was important to me that he preserve that time with her, and although things changed (like, he didn't cook her dinner at his ex wife's house as often) their actual time together did not decrease or diminish in quality.

So I do think that nurturing the marriage comes first.  In a healthy marriage, though, both partners are equally committed to parenting all children.   Even with good intentions, though, where the conflicts sometimes arise are when the unhealthy communication patterns of the previous marriage conflict with the new marriage -- for instance, my DH is conflict avoidant, and basically he'd do anything to appease his ex because she'd become a screaming, petulant mess if he didn't.  I don't blame her for this dynamic -- it's 50% his responsibility that he played into it.  But it meant that, before me, he'd basically give her money just to keep her from having a shit fit, even when it wasn't in his best interests to do so (or in the best interest of his child).  For instance, his ex would expect him to pay for his daughter's share of vacation expenses every year..her vacation with her mom, not her dad.  And since he and his ex had the same salary (GS feds), that left him without money for his own vacation with his daughter.  He did it to keep the peace, but to his detriment and to his daughter's (because she never got to take a vacation with her dad alone).  So that kind of thing caused conflict, because I was not at all okay with subsidizing my DH's ex's vacation.  And he was never ok with it either, but just wasn't interested in putting in the energy to break out of the dynamic they were in.  So, I'm sure I was cast as the evil stepmom for a couple of years.  And it caused tension all around.  But the upside is that my DH and his daughter got to have a vacation alone together for two years, and that was worth fighting for.[/quote]

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