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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. This is unrelated, but I also need to learn how to deal with another scenario that makes me really uncomfortable.

Sometimes there is something I can sense my husband is very angry about, and has decided to talk to me about it in a “calm” manner. As one example, it might be about me not going to bed when he goes to bed.

But the way he approaches me with it kind of freaks me out. He asks to talk to me about a problem. He usually does this at work he most inopprtune time. Maybe when I’m stressed about an event I’m preparing for that evening and about to walk out the door.

He talks to me with very wide unblinking eyes. Which is unsettling to me. I laugh it off nervously or I might say “what’s wrong?”

And then he won’t let it go. And I can’t even respond appropriately because then I’m also upset at his terrible timing but don’t want to be insensitive to something that is obviously so upsetting to him and he takes seriously.

And then it’s some sort of discussion where I basically feel like I’m being controlled and he’s feeling disrespected.

But the whole thing is very uncomfortable for me. And I would like to learn a way to deal with that as well.[/quote]

My husband does something similar to this and to the initial story in your OP. My husband also grew up in a chaotic home.  He told me once during a heart to heart that it made him feel good when everyone around him was screaming and he was able to remain calm, and he did purposefully, if somewhat unconsciously, create these situations.

What works for us in the situation you describe here is for me to respond to the actual situation, not just to his words.  Your husband is acting angry.  You know he’s angry.  He knows he’s angry.  It’s just the two of you in the room.  There is no reason for you to pretend to buy into this whole “calm guy who just wants to have a conversation” charade.  You know you aren’t going to have a productive conversation.

When he does this, say, “You seem mad.  Why are you angrily asking me about my bedtime habits while I’m walking out the door?”

Then he can either explode (which he won’t do…his whole thing is that he’s the calm one), or he can back off.

If you want, when he says that he isn’t actually angry, you can let him save face a little and say that he doesn’t understand “tone” or how he’s “coming across to other people.”  But don’t fall into a thing where you are trying to “prove” that he was acting angry.   Because that’s BS and it untethers both of you from reality.  [/quote]

That’s interesting. It makes sense.  Thank you for validating too, because it’s hard to describe. I wish there was a word for this behavior so I could look up how to handle it.

When it happens to you, is it really upsetting? I get so upset. Because it feels so purposeful in throwing me off, like sabotage, catching me at the worst time, and then the weird game of “I’m just calmly discussing your issue” when it’s very clear to me he’s upset.

I guess it’s him unconsciously wanting me to feel as bad as he does. It feels uncomfortable just thinking about it. He gets really weird is all I can say. And he is unaware of any of it which makes it that much harder to address. And I end up sounding a little crazy just attempting to describe it, because on the surface, he didn’t do anything wrong. [/quote]

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