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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Was thinking about this thread this morning and especially about the idea that women engage in these behaviors when they don't have other, better ways to establish "status." It's like we all have a primal need to be able to prove our worth/value to the rest of society, and insecurity is what happens when you don't feel your status is secure.

I'm mid-40s, married, with a kid. But I was thinking back on my life and there were these waves of "mean girl" behaviors at different phases that I think are directly linked to this need for status and the insecurity that comes when you don't have it:

Middle school: transitional period, with people going through puberty at different speeds. Some opportunities to get status through skill (academics, sports) but somewhat limited. People became very aware of family finances and that starts to impact status as well because kids can tell who has nice clothes, whose house is biggest, who goes on nicer vacations. Tons of mean girl behavior.

High school: actually way better! I feel like kids find their identity in high school a bit and at least at my school, there were lots of possible identities -- athletes, theater kids, the arty students, band nerds, the speech and debate people. There were just a lot of ways to find at least one thing you were good at and could usually find at least one teacher and a handful of students who appreciated you for it. So I don't remember almost any mean girl behavior in HS because I had my "things" and felt accepted in those places and didn't really feel insecure in my status.

Freshman year of college: Like middle school. Everyone is new, people are looking for places to belong, there's the whole transition out of your parents house, the pressure of declaring a major and finding friends. Not as bad as middle school, but a lot harder than high school.

Rest of College/Grad School: Again, like high school -- you settle in, find your place and your people, and I just don't remember much mean girl activity. You'd think there would be some in grad school but because the programs are specialized and you have to apply, I felt kinship/belonging in grad school pretty much immediately.

Post-school/Pre-kids: Really bad on the mean girl front. People are better at masking it at this age but there's actually a lot of MS-like behavior with groups of girlfriends. Especially if you're all single. You're at the beginning of your career so you have little to no status there, you aren't married and don't have kids, so no status there. Women at this stage can really compete heavily with each other for attention and status, there's a lot of gossip, exclusion, and nastiness, IME. The worst mean girl experiences of my life were in this phase.

Marriage/kids: It's crazy how even in the 21st century, women get SO MUCH status just from getting married and having kids. I remember feeling like a celebrity when I got married because people were so interested in me and complimentary. Like even colleagues I didn't know well or acquaintances. Same with having a kid. And social media really pumps this up because people get so into posts about engagements/weddings/honeymoons/pregnancies/babies. The most likes I've ever gotten on a Facebook post were (1) a pic from my wedding that I posted the next day, and (2) birth announcement. I think there is still mean girl stuff during this phase but it's like getting married or having kids is a ward against status competition because it's built in status. Which is actually sad when you think about it but also explains the entire genre of momfluencer -- it's leveraging the status of motherhood beyond those pregnancy and birth announcements (or just continuing to have kids to keep getting the status boost).

But then a weird thing happens in middle age, once you aren't having kids anymore, your kids are older, marriages are old hat, etc. People ramp up the mean girl behavior again. Because I think it is once again hard to feel secure in your position. You're just another middle aged mom. And if you mommy-tracked at work or became a SAHM, you won't even have that to distinguish you. And I think this is why so many women run into issues with mom groups, neighborhood moms, moms on the PTA, etc. It's that jockeying for status and attention again. Feeling insecure or invisible. Trying to find a source of status.

Sorry for the very long post, I just was kind of mulling this over this morning and realized how much the ebbs and flows of "mean girl" behavior track so closely with these periods of insecure status.

Now I'm thinking about what I might take away from this realization to help my DD navigate these phases in her own life. Or things I might do to lessen that feeling of insecurity when she's in those transitional phases when it might be harder to get secure status from school or work.[/quote]

This is so astute - I completely agree PP. [/quote]

+1. When I see grown women stuck in middle school, I find them sad, because I know better. [/quote]

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