Reply to If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would support him in the job.  If you don’t, he could resent you for it the rest of his life.  He isn’t helping now anyway.  If he takes this job, at least he will be working instead of napping.  It might make you both less resentful.

Also, friend, you need to step it up and take care of your house and children.  Your kids shouldn’t grow up in a house where they have to eat in a dirty kitchen or shower after they poop because their parents are engaged in some kind of passive aggressive battle of wills and neither of them wants to be the first to break and clean the kitchen or buy the toilet paper.  
Get rid of the Fair Play cards.  They aren’t helping.  Figure out systems to get things done around your house without his help.  He isn’t going to help.  And be nice.  Act how you want your kids’ spouses to treat them.  It takes two people to have a screaming match.  Stop your part.

I realize that it sounds like you will be falling into old fashioned gender roles where he is at work all of the time and you are taking care of everything at home, and that feels like you failed in some way, but you have to do what works for your family, and what you are doing now isn’t working for anyone.

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How do you propose OP do this while maintaining a full time job? I work full time and am fortunate to have a very capable, helpful partner who cares about my well being. There is NO WAY I could take on what you are proposing OP does while also working full time without have a full blown mental breakdown. It’s not fair and OP shouldn’t have to sacrifice her own sanity for this useless human. [/quote]

I did this for several years.  
Every night you wash the laundry from the day before.  Fold it in the morning and put it away when you get kids up.  Prep dinner or put it in the crockpot before you leave for work.  Take kids to the playground after daycare, then go home, eat dinner.  Put some music on and clean up together.  Bathe kids, put them to bed, grab their laundry.  Repeat.  
Hire a cleaning service to come every other week and do the deep cleaning.  Hire someone to mow the lawn.  Rehome the dog.  
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I did it for several years, too, about a decade ago.  I only recently realized just how misogynistic it was that people expect, when the husband isn't a partner, women to step up to carry a disproportionately heavy burden that they did not agree to with no regard to the impact it has on them.  Women have been stepping up and picking up slack on the home front for ages.  In this day and age, we also have full time jobs outside the home.  Yet, we are the ones expected to suck it up and take it.  I get it, I did what had to be done so my kids wouldn't suffer, but I paid a big price.

I did it for too long before I realized that I was better off without him than I was with him.  Being a single parent wasn't easy but at least I had far more control over my daily life, finances and my home environment.  I didn't have to work on letting go of the resentment I had for having deadweight dragging me down when I should have someone at least making an effort without complaining.  [/quote]

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