Reply to Tell me about adoption

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think this is pretty bizarre. I would think that we've had enough years of experience with blended families to know that kids in a family will have special people in common, and then maybe some special people who are just theirs. I don't think everything has to be "evensies" among kids in a family. Kids are different and come with differences.

If I were an adoptive parent, I would consider it my role primarily to be my adopted child's parent, and yes, of course I would expect all of my family to treat the child as ours. It would also be my role to facilitate healthy relationships between the child and any biological relatives who wanted to be involved. I think it would be a mistake, and very poor boundaries, if I and my biological children were to have our own relationships with the child's biological relatives (other than polite, warm and friendly relationship). I did not adopt the entire family; I adopted the child. I would never in a billion years think that the adopted child's grandparents should act like grandparents to my bio children.

It's interesting that this argument is focused on grandparents exclusively. Are we also adding on aunties and uncles and cousins for our biological child, when we adopt a child? And what about the adopted child's biological parents, if they are also in the picture here? Do they get some honorary relationship with my children? Hell no! You are not marrying the adopted child's family. You only adopted the child, and the child comes with some pre-existing family relationships that you must honor, however those do not become your family relationships.

I think the relationships governing situations like these are marriage and adoption. Marriage flows up and down and family tree - Grandparents take on a new daughter-in-law, for example. A new member of the family! And now they might have new grandchildren, the DIL's children from a previous marriage, and the grandparents (should) treat these kids as their own grandchildren because of the relationship of marriage between their son and the DIL. Then the son and DIL adopt a child. This is their grandchild because of the relationships of marriage between their son and DIL and the adoption. The marriages and adoptions make the relationships.

There is no marriage or adoption between your biological children and your adopted child's relatives. That's the difference.[b] It's OK for your adopted child to have special relationships that your biological children do not. [/b]

I guess a scenario might be that you actually want for more loved ones in your biological children's lives. OK. But I actually think you'd be doing your adopted child a disservice to make his bio grandparents belong equally to your other children. The adoptive child should get to navigate that relationship without a lot of other people in the way. That's confusing.

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No, it's not bizzare. It's a double standard.  If you think this is OK for the adopted child then you must think the reverse is OK too: A biological child can have a special relationship with THEIR bio family members (aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins) that do not include the adopted child.  Because they have a "special" biological connection like the adoptee's birth family?

I guarantee that any extended bio family which did this to an adopted child would be immediately pilloried, rightly so. [b]But you are saying it's OK for the adopted child's family to exclude the bio children, giving them no more than polite yet detached recognition? [/b]

And sorry but your use of marriage in this case is not relevant. A DIL with children from a previous marriage can easily become an ex-DIL especially with 2nd marriage failure rates. In that case, the exH would only have legal custody/visitation with the adopted child not the woman's children from a prior marriage.

More importantly you are digressing from the adoption discussion which is an entirely different matter.  This brings up just one complex, complicated issue about the current trend for open adoptions (with bio family in direct contact) which is NOT studied nor dealt with. Including its impacts on other children and the best way that BOTH extended families can navigate it all.  [/quote]

Yes, I am absolutely saying that. The only change I would make to what I wrote is this: You only adopted the child, and [b]the child comes with some pre-existing family relationships that you must honor, [/b]however those do not become YOUR family relationships -- unless time and affection makes it so.

[b]I do not believe that members of the adoptive family should be putting themselves in the same relationship to the biological family as the adopted child.[/b] The adopted child is the primary consideration, and should get the lead in the relationships with her biological relatives. A very strong lead.

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This is not true. There is NO legal requirement for the adoptive family to establish nor continue any contact with the bio parents/family. Period. 
This is nonsensical. Are you saying that Aunt Sarah (a member of the adoptive family) SHOULD NOT consider herself to be an aunt (same relationship) to Adoptee Larlo's siblings?

You have not yet gained comprehension that this open adoption landscape is rife with challenges and problems that NO ONE has studied nor has answers for?

One thing I do agree with you is that children in a family should be of primary consideration - both adopted AND bio. It's about time for experts to start examining these open adoptions issues for ALL family members or else 20 years from now we will be looking back saying, "How in the world could anyone think this was going to be psychologically healthy for children?"

All we have now is ad hoc opinion which amounts to nil.

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