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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - have you considered whether the stress/pressure from HS to get into the Ivy (and perhaps the striver classmates at the Ivy) has led your DC to find friends that are more low key to preserve their mental health? It sounds like you are only adding to that stress - especially if DC has been at home during the pandemic.  Some people strive on stress and achievement but others don't.

Another thing to consider is maturity.  Not everyone has maturity to fully take advantage of college opportunities, even if they very bright. I know more than a handful of people who have told the story of slacking (whether that be HS or college) and then woke up to realize their slacking had a consequence. Then...with that maturity, they had the skills from a good education (along with their own intelligence) to take steps to kick into gear and take charge of their future. But the key is that they did it themselves, not because of pressure from parents. And they did something THEY wanted to do, not something defined by someone else.

In the end, you need your DC to be an independent adult who can support themselves and be mentally healthy.

It seems like they are doing just fine academically.  It may not be top of class but is not bad either. (And this may just be their level when compared to college classmates vs their HS classmates).  And 50 applications sounds like they put in a big effort.

There us much to be learned as a counselor in terms of personal skills and leadership skills.  And it's probably a very nice dose of mental health to be outside in the sun with people all day.

If I were you - I think my primary concern here would be whether your child is participating in drug/alcohol use that could eventually lead to addiction issues.  I can't tell from your posts whether that's a potential issue.

Try to take a step back and let them grow up without you over their shoulder.

[/quote]

OP here. I know for a fact that my kid isn’t abusing drugs or alcohol. And guess what— it doesn’t matter if my kid is feeling “stress” or “pressure” and needs to “preserve their mental health” from high school or college. The job market doesn’t wait for you to gather you to stop being stressed. My kid needs to learn to deal with the stress and pressure, push through, and get a good career started. Nothing else matters in college because the point of Columbia is social mobility. And they’re not doing that, which is frustrating beyond belief. They need to be the one that thrives in stressful situations because there’s no other way middle class kids can move up if they can’t deal with that. But clearly they can’t. I feel like I’ve done something very wrong in raising my kid. I’m in despair. [/quote]

OP, if you are that driven and adaptable yourself, how come you are only middle class?   Why didn’t you apply your energy to have a better career to provide your child with the connection and safety net that they need?[/quote]

Because I’m a SAHM who gave my up my career to raise my kid. And because DH and I immigrated to the US when DC was a toddler so we can provide a better life for them. But it’s so disappointing to have an ingrate as a kid who refuses to acknowledge our sacrifices. We literally moved halfway across the world all for this kid, and they refuse to even major in something employable! I’m sure all the white DCUM posters can’t relate, but if you’re an immigrant too, this will deeply resonate with you. My kid has become my biggest fear. I wonder if there’s a way to ignore all the posts from non-immigrants on here. [/quote]

Your kid didn’t ask you to do this, so “ingrate” seems unfair.  And I’ve watched an immigrant kid driven to suicide attempts by parental attitudes like yours — please do both you and your kid a favor by seeking out a mental health professional to work through these powerful emotions.  And maybe consider going back to work. It’ll give you more money, something else to focus on, maybe a different vantage point on what constitutes worthwhile employment.[/quote]

How weak does a kid have to be to become suicidal over parental conflicts? Seems like the kid is the problem, not the parents. [/quote]

Imagine you’ve been told your whole life that your parents made huge sacrifices for you to go to an elite college and that your whole family (including a sib with long-term disability) depends on your success in a particular field/job search and you’re first-gen in a high-pressure school busting your ass to stay afloat. You don’t go to office hours, or ask for extensions, or seek mental health support when you need help. That would be a sign of weakness or failure.  You just put in even more hours working and fewer hours sleeping. You’re actually pretty good at what you do (certainly good enough to get a job after graduation). But you’re at a school and in a department where the curve is vicious. So you have a 3.7. You are a first-gen college student and you watch classmates who seem to have everything under control. Their parents were profs, or went to the same school you’re at now, or they have friends and relatives working in the same field/companies you want to work in. One weekend, after learning you botched a test, you also get the news that none of the three internships you interviewed for came through….[/quote]

My child is a first-gen college student and they had a private college counselor in high school. Dc is doing great. Don’t make assumptions about people. [/quote]

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