Reply to Does a blended family actually work?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The resentment toward step-relations is astounding. Is it anger about divorce? Competition? Wouldn’t life be easier if you embraced and formed relationships with steps? I know multiple people whose relationships with step-siblings is incredibly strong, and I do think with the right attitudes it is possible to create a family dynamic that works.[/quote]

You are absolutely right that positive attitudes BY EVERYONE can make it work.  This includes biological parents, stepparents, in laws, and all bio/step kids.

Sadly, the vast majority will never be able to achieve this for a variety of reasons including biological hard-wiring favoring their own children, resentment over resources, and just plain anger and jealousy because the family of origin dissolved.  Introducing new people into this kind of boiling environment, no matter how decent or well-meaning they are, will inevitably fail.

Most people want their choice of spouse to be at least accepted with an open mind by their loved ones. Certainly most kids would like it if their parents gave their spouse a chance.  It also includes parents who want to find a partner.  Look at the poster above you for a clue.  Words like "command performance" and "sad charade of a family" are telling.

None of this will ever change until education about stepfamilies is approached in a comprehensive manner which deals with the emotional and mental issues that can arise. It includes courts recognizing that parental alienation after divorce is real and can have a profoundly negative impact on children.  It also means resolving and dispelling the age-old stereotypes regarding stepparents. The vast majority of stepparents are doing incredible jobs trying to balance everyone's complex lives, not step on anyone's toes, figure out when to step back and when to lean forward, and still be able to love whom they chose without prejudice.

The reality is we are living longer and the odds that most people will stay with one person for 60 years or more is not realistic.  Statistically there will be more than one partner in a person's life. It's time we address it.    [/quote]

It's not a matter of a positive attitude!  First, a lot of parents make bad choices in relationships.  Children shouldn't have to accept a partner who behaves inappropriately or is exploitative, or someone whose family brings problematic things like drugs into the family.  People have the right to date and remarry, sure, but they don't have the right to force me to spend time with people whose behaviors are unacceptable.  My positive attitude isn't going to sober up my dad's wife.  It isn't going to stop my mom's boyfriend from being a racist.  I'm not the problem here.

Second, where is all this time supposed to come from?  Spending time with people costs time and money, and sorry but I'm fresh out.  I'm a working mom with young kids of my own.  And I have my own marriage to maintain.  It's already an exhausting ordeal just to travel to spend the minimal amount of time with my parents.  Yet they can't accept that their divorce means 50/50 time forever.  They're always pushing for more, so we can be a big happy faaaaamily.  I just don't have time for two step-extended-families in addition to my own two parents in two locations and my in-laws as well.  I need to focus on my actual relatives, not my fictional ones.  If they would accept that the blending just isn't going to happen, we'd have a better relationship.[/quote]

Amen!!! My (well, now ex) step siblings are perfectly decent people. They are all employed, none are addicts or unkind in any way, they were nice to my kids. I have zero against them, but we have zero in common. I wouldn’t choose to be friends with them. I feel about them the same way I might feel about a bland coworker.

And the instant our parents divorced, the relationship was over (including my stepmom who had been “grandma” to my kids).

I absolutely don’t hate my ex-step siblings, I truly wish them well but I have no interest whatsoever in them. [/quote]

Adult stepkids like you are the reason why I don’t want to be anyone’s grandma should I remarry. There’s this weird contradiction between new spouses being expected to invest in their steps, including kids of the adult stepkids, and just ditching them when the marriage falls apart. Sounds like users![/quote]

maybe you just shouldn’t remarry ... [/quote]

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