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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi,

DH here.  Typical DCUM story, married 8 years, three kids, sex dried up.  Been like once a month for a few years.  I consider myself to be a pretty good husband, good father, do lots around the house, do lots of the kid stuff etc.  I have a bit of a dad bod but not hideous (I don't think).  We have a good relationship minus the sex.

Done lots of "date nights" gone out of my way to try to make her feel special etc.  This isn't about sexless marriage per se, but I find that I am at the point where I just don't really care about her as a wife anymore.  I don't dislike her, she is a good mom and does lots to make the household run, but I just don't really care that much for her anymore and find it difficult/annoying to be around her.  I don't care to hear about her day and I generally don't want to spend time with her really, I would just rather do my own thing at this point.  Mostly I look forward to when she falls asleep so I can watch the shows I want that she doesn't like.  The lack of any response to me, or to me working towards having a marital relationship with her has kind of finally just emptied my tank for her.

I don't want a divorce, because I love my family and I really don't want anyone else other than her, but I am finding it hard to have any real engagement with her outside of kid/house stuff.  She's not a bitch and we don't fight much , overall its a pleasant home.

Not really sure of the point of this post but has anyone been in this situation before have any advice about how to manage this dynamic. Not really about how to change it/up the sex, but I don't want to totally lose the marriage

[/quote]

Man here. In a similar boat, only 15 years of marriage and 2 kids (two teenagers).

It's funny because I remember the moment I gave up. Just like I remember the moment I decided to propose. They're kind of like bookends in a life phase. But I recognize everything you say: Making the effort, being the equal partner, carrying MORE than half the load of child rearing and holding down the full time job while she continues to stay at home after kids entered school, rarely rising before 10 a.m. because I was always the one getting them out the door. Sex kind of went from trickling off to let's schedule to me feeling insecure. There were medical issues, so I was more than patient. Over time, I, too, just began to feel bad about myself. And I became tired of feeling rejected.

But. I'm not the type to cheat. I know a divorce would be devastating financially. And I don't have the energy. The kids are in 7th and 9th grade. The relationship with the spouse is civil but we sleep in different rooms. I do have a short tolerance for her need to "talk" at me that's grown shorter over time, and I've learned to just ignore her annoyance when I don't drop what I'm doing during my actual workday to "talk" since I've learned that her asking for 2 minutes really means I'm about to be subjected to a 45-minute rant about something.

I don't have an answer. I, too, just try to do my own thing. I have my own hobbies. I engage with the kids. Eventually, I hope the wife and I will be closer again, but I don't really think that will happen. I have decided I'm responsible for my own happiness. So, I try to do more things I enjoy. I'm not hostile to her, but I'm also probably not as available to her anymore. Because she stopped being available to me years ago.

The kids aren't stupid, BTW. They know. They see it. I'm sure it scars them a bit. They also know I'm the default parent. And that pisses my wife off. But, it sort of is what it is. She made her bed and literally lies in it all the time. [/quote]

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