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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]^^^^ nobody goes to the store anymore for supplies.

Why are so many people saying 1 parent is better than 2 parents raising a child.

What planet are you on?[/quote]

Umm... exactly who has said that?  I've read posts from PPs saying both parents need to be engaged and available.  Some PPs have pointed out that having a SAHP enables that parent to not only be engaged and available all day, but also gets errands and chores out of the way so that when the WOHP gets home, s/he only has to sit down and relax with the kids.  See?  Both parents engaged and available.  No one is advocating that the WOHP work until all hours and never see their kids.  Having a SAHP allows *both* parents to focus on their kids in the evenings and on weekends.  This is not hard to understand.[/quote]

NP here. I think that poster didn't make her point very well, but I see her point. Trying to state it more clearly: If you are saying that OP can't have a good bond with her kids because she works very long hours, you cannot simultaneously claim that the WOHP who works very long hours in a SAH/WOH relationship has a good bond with his or her kids, because that WOHP also works long hours. That is logically inconsistent.

The point isn't is that the SAHP is available. That is beside the point. There have been posters here who claim that their WOHP has a fantastic bond with their kids while simultaneously working very long hours. The issue is the bond of the WOHP not the SAHP, and it's a question of the hours that WOHP works.

I actually don't agree with the underlying assumption: I think that bonding with kids can happen with parents who work long hours. I mean, I know families where one parent was away for months at a time who seem to have great relationships, so I think this hour-counting premise is a little silly. It seems like a bunch of privileged navel-gazing to me.  However, the people who are talking about how they have a very long working hour WOHP who is fantastically bonded to their kids while at the same time simultaneously criticizing OP's long working hours and claiming [i]she[/i] can't be bonded to her kids are being very inconsistent. No matter what the SAHP does at home, if you believe that time present with the children is the basis of a bond, then both OP and the long-working WOHP should fall into that category. [/quote]

Yes,  but you don't respond to the point the immediate PP made (as several others have).  Having one SAHP means the person who is working long hours does not need to also grocery shop, go the dry cleaner, fold the laundry, take the car or the oil change, unload the dishwasher, pay the bills, manage the investments etc.  The fact that SAHP gets that stuff done during the week (perhaps while the kids are in school GASP) means the partner working long hours can instead spend the time he or she would commit to those task spending with their kids.  [/quote]

PP above. I don't think that having tasks to do over the weekend means a parent can't bond with kids. Frankly the idea that a parent needs to have totally task-free hours in order to bond with a child seems very out of touch to me. Personally, I think kids should absolutely see their working parent doing tasks around the house, and should be participating in those chores themselves as they get older. I have many fond memories of running errands on the weekend with my dad and helping him with chores. Bonding doesn't mean just free time.

Your position only makes sense if you believe that children cannot bond with parents who are doing household work... which raises the question of how they bond with the SAHP who is doing that work during the week. I don't have much of an opinion on long hours or no long hours, as I stated, but I do think the idea that a child can't bond with a parent who is doing household tasks is ridiculous.

I think the point stands: you cannot simultaneously say OP doesn't have a good bond with her kids because of her long hours, and yet claim your WOHP spouse who works equally long hours has a good bond with your own children. It's completely inconsistent.[/quote]

As one of the posters pretty involved in that strain of the debate (and the poster who was attacked as a hypocrite there), I want to clarify something about my views on this. Parenting is a multi-dimensional thing. There is the bonding side of it, whether you're spending time with your children in a way that is meaningful to you both and that deepens your connection. This is something that both parents need to be available to do with their kids so that the kids have the opportunity to form emotional bonds with each parent. It needs regular/consistent engagement, but doesn't fall apart if there are days here and there when the parent-child engagement is more of a quick conversation over a meal (or a phone call if the parent is traveling or working particularly late). A parent who works longer hours during the week can make up for a lot of that by being an engaged parent throughout the weekend, even if some of it is by doing errands together and chatting while you're in the car. The key there is that the parent is engaged during those times, and isn't spending all of that "together" time running through their to-do list in their head, putting the kids in front of a screen so they can clean up the kitchen, and then checking their email all through dinner. I have no idea how OP operates in this regard.

Then there is the side of it that's whether your children feel they can trust and rely upon their parents to be there for them on a day-to-day basis for basics needs. This is more along the lines of will there be meals prepared, will the permission slip get signed, will the poster board be purchased (leaving aside the issue of how much notice should be given of the need for poster board), i.e., can the child trust that their needs will be met. When parents are married/cohabitating, they can act more as a unit on this one rather than both people needing to be there for every need. You only need one parent to cook dinner, sign the permission slip or buy poster board, so for this aspect of parenting, it's okay if only one parent is there while the other is working, as long as the kids can trust that someone will be there to get it done. Especially because the deeper emotional bonding described above generally does not occur (at least not in a healthy way) if the foundational trust that needs will be met doesn't exist. The bonding can happen regardless of which parent has done more of meeting the basic needs; just because dad went to Target doesn't mean mom won't be able to form a bond with her child (and vice versa).

Yes, OP should set reasonable limits and doesn't need to jump on a moment's notice because her daughter wants to get poster board for her project, but there also needs to be some expectation that these things will happen eventually in a reliable way. "Larla, I can't take you to Target tonight for poster board but I will put in on the calendar for Wednesday night, which will still give you plenty of time to finish your project." If OP and her husband are doing this and then following through, their kids will develop that trust in their parents to meet their needs, regardless of which parent takes them to buy the poster board this week. If OP (and/or her husband) is instead telling her daughter "tomorrow," but then says the same thing the next night and the night after that, or won't commit to a day at all and just says she'll get to it when she can, her daughter is going to have a harder time trusting that her needs are going to be met. Only OP knows how this goes in her own household, but based on her posts throughout the thread, I suspect there's a fair amount of the latter going on. Otherwise this would just be about a whiny kid with unreasonable expectations and not a bunch of whining from OP about how she's stretched too thin and just can't do it. As for how this all affects OP's bond with her daughter, there's not enough here to say that for sure. But the fact that OP's posts suggest the foundational trust may be shaky is a red flag that the deeper bonding isn't happening.[/quote]

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